Yester eve I napped in the lap of bears
Soft and warm only to awake fuzzy from a dream
Of ink curved round from belly to back.
The willow and yet the peach tree growing.

I lifted up in softness sleek to elbow arching
Back and neck stretching.
Thought of you and smiled
Too sweet.

Tiny little O

Flowing from the pink
Coulda been a baby

Coulda been a
Little sista too

Where is my passion
But caught up in you.

Tiny little O

Flowing from the pink
Coulda been a baby

Coulda been a
Little sista too

Where is my passion
Where is my man

The life of The lonely

I was not taken aback
Upon first viewing
I saw flaws still do.
But the words the kiss,
The warmth that drew me
Like moth to flame blushed through a
Tender heart of passion’s fire
And I was taken aback by you.

Goodbye Hug

It was just the one
Shot of hot rot-gut sake
But that
Wasn’t my smiling cause.
I had been smiling all night
Laughing loud and flushing deep
For life itself was forming roughly.
And that night
The goodbyes were sweet,
For hugs I was in need.
Girls and boys just being
They lasted real, not fleeting,
But the genuine of our meetings.
And the one picked me up and swung
Me high
I wrapped legs around him
Arms spread wide and leaning out
Giggling like some girl.
And between us?
Nothing but smiles
And laughter and the
Joy of being happy in a moment
Of the goodbye, see ya later
Hug me baby style.

I
I know not what the morrow brings
And yes that in itself sublimely sings.
I only know the knowing of you
Brings me smiles and tears like dew.
I am happy in the here and now
Dreaming of castles, clouds and thou.

The future is mine and thine to form
We may part, we may start anew
In friendship now though how
Wondrous is my like of you.

II
I sing the soul that creeps
Lastly forth into the deep
Mire cool and soothing sweet
Against hot flesh of fire lite.

Flesh
Crush
Lust
Of sky blue eyes
Deeply unto thou so smooth
Lies the blessing of the groove
The funk, the coolest spunk
Of me saying
Let’s go let’s go
Baby
Let’s rock and roll I am
Craving
Salivating
In the mood for mating.

Take me
To the beach with you.
Find out
More of me and see if
You can
Get over me then. See if
I can
Move on from you.
If friendship
Is the best we two can do.

Sweetness
Of flesh thine in no one and no where.
Sweetness I miss you.

Even at work
I cry openly tears streaming down flush cheeks.
Pris looked at me once and in awe whispered
“you’re so beautiful when you cry”
I wanted to tell her..it’s the years, the hours
The minutes.
Of a hard life
Of a hard soul trying to soften sweetly.

The absence of touch is killing me
Sweetly as matters of the past
Come to be resolved.

I want to walk in the sun of your smile
And tender touch.
I want to exist in warm whispers simply
And set aside thoughts this much.

Stress invades my happy nature,
So vorpal blade in hand....

Jabberwocky

Lewis Carroll

(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'

He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

I
There, there is her sadness
Quite deftly articulated.
Though not retreating
She
May be
More quiet
And you may have to come
For her.
She can only reach so far in silence
Without knowing.

II
The dawn brought soft light from
The Twilight of Eve.
I want to step into
The nude sunrise blinding
The moon sharp like cold metal.

I
They don’t speak
Don’t know their minds.
All they keep
Is to themselves
Their days of nothing
Filled with fluff.
She don’t know
What else to do
So she cook
She feed her man
And he happy
For a while
And she think
All is good.
Sad sad ladies
‘Round the world.
Won’t be me.

II
Unto no man can her respite
Unravel, shedding whispers
Against warmth of arms embrace.

She hangs with them in need
Of human interaction and simply
Cause it seems you don’t want her.

I
Her weary soul in silence
Cries like kitty in the dark
No one to hear. Wondering
Is there no one to care.

Where is her angel? Where
Is her sanctuary. Only
Death comes calling
To court her life. Death
And hardships’ toil.

Words unsaid she grasps
Air reaching for the star
She longs to guide her,
Comfort in simple desire.

Hand falling, volumes
Emoted between the lines
Unwritten. She thinks
Her happy heart is breaking.

She gives even unto
The weeping for herself
Only solace found in
Sleep of night. And the need
To mourn that she has
Nothing, no one.

II
Wants to back off
To quit. Wouldn’t let her
Before. Will he now.
Should she try.

And all the others always leaving.

III
She plans her holiday with friends
At the pub. Wanting no more than
To retreat afraid if she does. She
Plans her outing for the day after
To shop for novelty for herself.

IV
Martin, love, life has me down.
And your dad dying, Pris’s Gram, dying,
Steven the bastard offing himself,
Lee’s baby finally coming and that case
They stuck him on and I can barely breathe.
Oh honey, this fucking year is shit. And all
I really have is me.

Don’t commend me for my strength
I long to fall into ice blue dreams I speak
Volumes to between lines unwritten.
I am weak and in the needing of flesh.

Je vous adore’

I snapped
Unintentionally and without
Your notice yet I knew and
Apologized.

You simply
Came back with breakfast
Described and first steps
Of the day.

I almost
Wept with heart surely
Swelling I replied je vous
Adore'.

In the bath last night,
Thinking fondly of you,
Swirling soaps amidst
Oils and deep breathing,
Cleansing of the mind,
There came an epiphany
Of what I want my life to be.
And I was moved finding
Piece of mind.
That’s what Pris prayed for:
My piece of mind.
So here is where I temper
Patience and understanding
Abound because I may be
Beyond the want of
A mere chance and yet
Perhaps that chance is the now
And we only need see how we go.

Allabout the water rises.
And what if she does only see the good?
Would it be better to only see the bad,
Worship doubt and worry,
That stuff of youth that brought her low?
The world is too bright, too many are dead,
Too much is at stake not to look allabout.

Reaching out grasping air and the sun, life,
Fingers aflame falling forward,
She
She
She is restless like the tongue of babes trying
To articulate, mouth struggling in gentle persuasion
Of words on tiny ears and eyes expressive with joy.
She is new to the world daily in her hopes and dreams
And wallows even in the waiting
For what may come.

Freefalling
No net no chute
Just wide-eyed wonder
Of a sky screaming
Ice blue streaked in peach
As I tilt into the dive.

I
To dream in depths
Of sky blue
And feelings
Lost and found.

Hush and quietly
Let me take
Your cheek
To a breast warm.

And breathing
Deep in serenities
Sleep with eyes
Closed and know
To call me home, I
Am sanctuary
Sweet.

I am soil rich
And moist, the
Decay that feeds
Life deep.

II
She has been
Slain, conquered
In fey rays of gentle days.
She is scared and wide-eyed willing
To break, to break sweet, to exist in mist
Rising, fog on the streets, blinding.

He needs
To go wild a bit
And she
Don’t think she
Can watch that,
Not sure she
Can be that
For him
Not when
She is wanting
More and willing
To linger yet
Awhile.

I mean,
How could she take
The risk of being
The one
He moves on
From like that.
Naw, but she
Can be
The one
He moves on
From in
Friendships’ sorrow
Bitter sweet
Knowing
He grew
From her healthily.

His smile slays
Her in a ten-fold
Of heaven and hells.
He is some kind
Of wonderful
She deserves.

Robert,
Where are you in the diadem?
I cannot find you in dreams.

And perhaps I pushed him
Away to save him the watching
Of my dying someday.
I do wonder.

I step lightly into this goodnight
Having stopped to glance the moon
O’er long, the clouds fast transforming
And feel the coolness, smell the richness
Of the approaching hour.

And I worry about you, Tommy mine,
Your quest is in my thoughts and prayers.

Echoing the twig that snaps sharp
And startling, the sudden intake of
Breath, the heart beats fast.

The cold is forming, numbing, ready.

I
Words trip lightly and roll off
A tongue without thought or censure
Of a heart that beats in a rhythm deeper,
Slower than the average bear.

Her body temp low daily and
Coming up to par begets fervor
Of restless dreams and desires of deeper,
Passion and fire like no other.

II
Yet she resides in the stillness
On the surface
Of thoughts and passions’ murmur
Of chance and possibilities’ deeper meaning,
Shaking, holding herself at bay
Like the dog longing, bird in sight,
Waiting for her master’s command.
Like the dog already having tested the razor wire,
The elctric fence.

There is none stronger than her heart save
Her will and oft her perseverance.

III
She spins, twirling
Face to the sun
On tiptoe falling
Shoulder to the grass
Rolling and giggling
Dogs licking face
And feet she curls
Into a little ball
Then spreads
Arms wide stretching
Back arching
Smile beaming
Stunning at the new day
She is alive
She is alone and sighs.

Solace. I dream
Of mountains and cold
And the sun that shines
That is my god. Nature.
Of beaches and walking
Lithely on tiptoes through
Crowded streets moving
Swiftly around and beyond.
Alone.

I am understanding more
Each day and It brings me
No closer to any save myself.
I am solidifying beautifully.

I awoke tangled
In bears and linens and sweat,
After too many hours of sleep,
The fever I know is there will not
Break. Hand on womb, thoughts turn
But I am scared to retreat from others
Even you to save me.

I am not attracted to weakness
And it is unbecoming of me.
Slowly the spirits sinks when
The body of it’s nourishment is depleted.

All this and I keep smiling, humming, I am happy.

I had been subduing
That
Thing
In me
That is beauty
Your touch
Enflamed:
Passion and caring.

And I am sad to lose that.

It is not cute,
It is gut-wrenching and sore heavy
That I have found you.
And you need to be elsewhere
In this time and place
And I am impatient knowing
What I want and not if
It can occur even in time.

“You’re a beauty tucked away in a box”
And the tears fall
On words silently
NO, no, I am pain and sorrow.

I miss my brother.
When I killed him,
His eyes were large
And soulful pleading.

Kill. It is
The denotative sense
Of the word that haunts me
To no end.

I miss the body
In the house.
The one I would talk to.
The one that did not listen.
The one I gave away thinking
I would find one who could.

I would say the morning dawns chill but it is not yet dawn when I arise to let the dogs out. I snuggled deep into the cool summer linens, careful not to move to far away from the warm cocoon of sleep. Slow sluggish thoughts form and the ease in which I awoke fades into a tenseness about the neck. I stop vague, pensive thoughts with another of warm winter flannels; moose and trees, birds in flight. The ones I bought when daddy was down last November helping with the house. I smile. And think of yesterday, the closing on the house, the conversation that ensued. I was excited about my things, you were excited about yours. We are excited for each other and listened intent. I love the way you won’t let me back away even from the gentle need of someone to listen, to share, to communicate and be understood. My needs are simple..

Pressure in the chest.
It is the soul that speaks in soft
Tongues of birds in flight
Pressure in awe of life.

It is a brave new day
Of things that cross my path
And come my way
Yet still is the wrath
That fades to gray.

Never ending is my hope
And passion brought forth.

Blush, blush at the intimacy of it,
How it shines in my eyes,
Trembles in my voice soft
With childish gaiety and fervor.

It’s you she called to share her news.
You own her, you know it,
I hope it pleases you as much as she.
It is killing her not to touch you.

He owns her and eventually he must decide what to do with her.

I
Friends call, men ask her out
She declines soft and weary
From the day of giving.
Though they are nice enough
It is him she hungers after.

She wants to spoil
With words and laughter,
Adoration and the infatuation
Of those first few weeks that is still
And restless inside her.

Worn in body and spirit and mind,
Soul stirring and in need
Of a feeding of salty flesh
She gains composure and steps lightly
Purposefully back from feeling intrusive.

Antithetical are her instincts
To both flee from and reach for
The ache and the solace that is him.

II
Time is what you need I feel
To yourself to think and do.
If in err please pray tell come
For here I am for you.

And in secret wish
I hope you miss
Me as the brightness
Of your day.

III
Strength waivers without support
And if you cannot be therefore
It must truly and solely
Be found in me and perhaps
In conversation with others.

Tell me I'm wrong but this
Is the best I can suppose.

I
With eyes soft and gentle caring,
And tenderness swelling
(wish you could have seen),
The word slipped out truly.
You knew of them, I knew of them.
They are ultimate and free
Like none you will ever know.
That in the sweetest future I fear
Like none I will ever know.
I gave them anyway, they are yours.
Take them for what they are – simple.

Friendship given in earnest,
I know full well the chance I take in giving;
Of losing the chance at Fate,
And never moving past and into more.
But this I want of late; to see
You simply grow and understand, living
And being happy, knowing who you are.

II
I take each day on the breathe of mornings
Cool and sweet. Life brings me challenges
Hard to meet. I laugh, shake my head.

III
Delve deep for truth, give it to me
Like the sweetest scents. In honesty
I believe and it’s why in you I hold my trust.

IV
How to proceed – or do I – elsewhere not with you.
That is the quandary I now face. I want no decision soon.

Life
Is just that hard
And it seems the more I try
The worse
Things get.
I want
To
Retreat from everyone,
Everything,
In solitude reside
Away from
Anyone
Demanding
Anything
From me,
Curl up
Fetal.

And
I don’t know
How to move
Forward.
So I go where
Each day takes me.

I still believe
Hope
That someone I can love
Will also love me truly
And in passion and happiness

In response to stimuli,
Inside me, there is a seed
It’s cold and dark and chilling
And I touch it when I have to
To save myself...to survive
To push others away. And yet
I cannot find it lately.

I write in the fuzzy haze of a fever forming and exhaustion from the week so busy. The thoughts are many and more than I can keep contained. So much to do an I think ideally that it would be so much easier for two. But it wasn’t and the extent of that broke me after a while. I believe we are none of us, static beings, so I stretched and pushed and evolved. Each of us possess a core. I stabilized mine until it was full up and firm. Now, its’ balance holding me, it pushes out in a radiating hum with the identity of self and though life is hard right now, I am happy.

I
I almost wish I had passed you by,
Almost.
Heart sore heavy, I was not ready
For this depth of feeling.
And yet,
Needed it to grow. I am
Always growing.

II
Thank you for your words of yesterday
In reply to my inquiries. In quest I seek
To understand where you are so that I,
I can…move forward appropriately.

More questions were there on the tip
Of my tongue gently pondering, more
Frustrated in inarticulate expression,
I could not get what I thought across.
And then you abruptly, stressfully, finally
Got some stuff out and I was glad for it.
This you needed to do.

My confusion had peaked, words said:
Jealousy of competition and desire to keep
Me to yourself; your sir name after my given;
Quieting me at my voicing that we are destined
Not to be. In hindsight these thing should I
Have taken more lightly.

I think I needed someone
Big and strong and handsome
To sweep me off my feet
And it felt like you were it.
Still does rather.

Your words revealed much,
Perhaps some guilt of me,
Perhaps some pressure I
Never intended to apply yet in which my
Aggression spoke volumes.
You know what I want in a way yet
I wanted to say suited
In temperament well, I’d like
Simply the chance to see
Not move you from her to me.
Chance then eventually, who knows.

Things to get through, it sounds
You have a lot of re-evaluating
Within your transition to do and we
In two separate places “right now” reside.

Call me your friend
And speak to me as
You need and in frank
And earnest terms.
Call me your flight
Of fancy truly and touch
Me gently, sweet.
Confide in me, find solace
For I am Sanctuary, always
Have been, always will be.

My inclination
To withdraw is beat
Down by my need
To in simplicity
Exist and be. These
Are my needs.

If I seem less…
Pursuant of you,
It is simply that
In the quietude
Of my mind my soul
Leans back, breathes deep,
Accepts this my place
In your life for now
And yours in mine.

III
Step back, gaze in,
Uncomplicate things,
Simply breathe deep,
Enjoy. This is how
The soft happy Peach
Grows her branches high,
Her roots deep and stays
True to herself.

I
“When you comin’ home son”
“I don’t when…but we’ll get together then,
Dad, you know we’ll have a good time then…”

Life is fragile,
Future unknown,
There is only there here
And the now.

Take this week
For in the next
I will come for you
With my needs gently
And surely.

II
I want to hear the excitement in your voice
About the places you are looking and offer
Thoughts sweetly encouraging:
My mind ruling – come to me when ready.
My heart melting – come to me already.

III
Though the words don’t come I trust
Them there at the back of your mind.
Now you know…I will ask for them
When I need their affect on my heart
Beating fast as I once told you,
Flattery will get you everywhere,
And I only accept it from you – no other.

IV
Outwardly serene, my soul twists
In aquatic acrobatics, diving deep and free.
I envision the ultimate freedom being
The union of two individually strong
And I am excited, wanting to explore.

Tonight the moon was full
And thought provoked thought.
It is bliss to know what I need,
Togetherness in feeding passion,
Individuality of self, yet
The dynamics never known, I am
Curious of their workings.

Goals adjusted, confirmed even some,
Set aside, necessity no long required.
I look on you and think,
This could actually work given
Patience and understanding,
Communication. Communication,
You need to tell me that you want it too.

The need to spoil is great, to take
Care of you, yet I would never take
Away your hard work and earnest by
Setting your needs before mine.

You may need some time to think,
To be sure as I am sure and
Your distance is felt sharply though
It’s all good. I know what I want,
To move forward swiftly in my
Surety of you.

The true hart comes
In faith I trust.

I
For once I know not what to do.
Confused I will continue
To spoil you, to give gifts
Of words and insight, asking
Questions, to be me and give
You what I need.

II
There’s a feral girl called Unworthy,
Your absence feeds her though I beat her down.
She is old for a girl and well fed from youth.

Though of moderate means, she was
Fed and clothed, but of love and affection starved.
She is the over thinker, rationalizing fears,
Attention (like gifts) unknown.

Then there is Peach, newly born,
Sometimes still taking steps on coltish legs,
Wide-eyed in wonder of the world and you,
Of her beauty and worth formed recently.

Blushing and allowing the flattery
Unprecedented, she sits back and smiles knowing all
Is good and well and things will come
To her heart and faith if she trusts.

III
These goals when goals where
Lacking seem empty without substance.

I want what is best for you
Even at the breaking of
My own heart.

If I could take all the hurt
In to me I would save you
Any bittersweet and learning.

In you I find all my ideals.
I have stated my intentions
Toward you and it scares the shit
Outta me to be this close,
So close and yet so far away.
I stand firm.

I feel I should give you time
But I don’t want to, I’m sorry.
I love me like no other and find
You worthy of me.

Comes the true hart
In faith I trust.

In independence and
Individuality I hold value
Yet stand I ready to let
The consumption of me
Proceed.

And though impatience
Holds court, she is oddly
Happy holding herself
In the shadows willing
To let nature freely
Come clean slowly.
But she will spring
Given the chance.

French clay soft,
Scent pleasing.
I add the water
Dabbing lightly,
Finger spreading
Coolness on morning
Flesh now tight.
I pull
The petal from
It’s bloom.
Peach rose soft
On soft happy peach
Even softer
As I think of you.

I
Take words as thoughts
Still in the forming, some
Never needing
To reach completion.
Thank you patience
While I voice these
And let them drop
By the wayside.

II
In me there is the right thing
To such a degree you cannot imagine.
I guess you could say
It was a bad day,
But really, I did not feel well last week,
Which made me think too deep
And the right thing crept forward
Oozing out pores in reticence.

III
Breaking trust with myself once,
Never, never again, so I called you back.
And it all seems irrelevant now
(Cause the world turned sadly for
it is sad when relationships end.)
Though things can flow naturally now and
We can at least see how things go.

IV
In god all I had asked was Chance
For in you I saw pallas
(the spear of) Fate, Kismet kissing
Cupid lightly, though Karma lay
Off kilter, laying in the grass breathing
Deep the rich scent of moist soil turned
Gently with tapered fingers, smiling
With her heart, happy and in no rush.

V
Yesterday day was a good day
Of busy little thing outdoors.
Plants potted, watered,
Front porch swept,
Garage swept, now dirty again
Side yard patrolled.
Played pick-up-sticks
So many and the trees
Noticed in need of a bit
Of pruning, of care.

Front lawn fed as well as myself.
Grocery store, Smoothie king for vita-rush,
Lowes twice for little things, Petsmart for the
Birds and squirrels and the dogs.
Dishes, vacuum, will vacuum again, the carpet
Freshening while I go about the day.

Hair cut too short – I love it, it feels like me.
(And in the shower much later I thought of you.)

Sat down to check the time,
Found you mobile
I messaged “happy birthday”,
Glad I did for you called me back.

The wind
All about you, and I knowing
You were on the lake before
You said so. And I smiled knowing
No place you would rather be.
Your words that first day.

Of money I spent
You chastising and the words thereafter
Made me blush,
My heart rushing with blood.
You were of course right and trust me,
I want you, need you here
We can think of that later.

And I hope you had
A good time last night with friends,
You need to have fun on your birthday,
Hope you are as happy as I, despite…

Do you know,
I am learning
Little things about you. That
In me there is an urgency yet
You see time differently.
Calling me back later means eventually,
Which oddly doesn’t bother me.
Calling me right back means you will and
That we now have time.

After the first call
I sat faced with smiles,
Your smile knowing
I couldn’t do it, had to
Have you at least in
Piecemeal.

Every time you see me,
Does your heart beat fast?

I come across a good man rarely
Of my respect and admiration worthy.

And the world was one thing when
I wrote those words yester eve. Then
Of god I doubted and disfavor avowed,
Heart was sore heavy defeat conceded.
Your statement today of simple friendship
Did it not confided. Did passing of night change
The scene. It feels so, yet left you abruptly and
Me to my confusion tending.

I should have known you, that it
Had gotten that far. I don’t see you
Straying otherwise.

No, you’re not okay and
I long to smooth your wrinkled brow,
Take away the frustration.

What I seek? Ultimately is
Someone whose passions I can feed
And who will feed mine. Whose
Happiness I can seek and who sill seek mine.
Find that and all else will fall into
The beautiful use of words and understanging.

Some people, some people know no other way
Than to make things difficult. I have always
Known otherwise, my adversity only feeding that fire:
Happiness and understanding, hope and passion.

I look not on the world, the future in naitivity,
I look with eyes wide, choosing to close them
And with the experience of hardships surmounted.
The innocence of wonder is nothing compared
To the awe of knowing and the choice to grow and see
Actively that the world is beautiful and life is precious.

I need to know
How you cope.
Do you retreat
And deal alone
Or need me
As an ear.

Not getting what you need
Can be as frustrating as
The stress with which you deal.

Look how beautiful,
The roses are blooming slowly
Their edges slightly
Ruffled and soft.

Reaching deep into
The depths of you
I pull forth a blinding
Light reminding
Me of the illusory
Concept of usury
And the lack there of
Finding I within you.
THIS is a reflection
Of my own lack of deception
And my hatred of games.
Yes I hate though
Few things find this fate.

What I find in you is rare
Causing me to stare.
It is my own honesty
And forthright nature,
The willingness to nurture
And be happy always.

Perhaps it is past
What I want for you?
And you are at that last,
The final stage, a great divide,
Now a need to decide
Stay or go.

I find decisions freeing,
They bring me peace.

Impatient,
I want to talk to you but can’t.
THAT is what prompted me
To stop and talk to you honestly.
I enjoy talking to you,
Get to work everyday and look
Forward to your first smile, your
First word. I could have let things go
On but what would that have solved?
I am one to face pain
Head on, always have, always will.

My bright chipper self
Is partially due
To my adoration of you.
If I stop caring
For you I will retreat
Into myself again, and
I care so beautifully.

Do you come to work,
Looking forward to my
First smile, my first word,
My excitement at seeing you.
Do you go home each day
Looking forward or in dread.

All this I realize is about me.
My need for you proves I cannot
Live alone quietly. It is about
You, are you happy in your
Entirety.

I quest, thirst for understanding,
My passion driving intently forward.

I lied, I have not been through worse.
To identify the object of desire,
Knowing it could be sweet..
Just in the distance out of reach,
It is agony and enough to say
No longer do I have faith in god.

Move swiftly, think fast, for life is short and meant to be lived happily

All anger left me after
Robert…died, after I
Was put in the position
To take…his life.
I was thirty-two, just,
And full of hope, I’ll
Be thirty-five soon.

I no longer get mad,
It isn’t in me. Though

I have always surmounted
Obstacles, persevered,
Bubba’s death almost killed me.
That and the baby, just
A seed passing quietly,
Brought subconscious thoughts
Struggling. Then

I met someone who fed
My passion, who spoke
And listened, who helped
Me articulate, define me
And what I need.
I cheated on a mate
Of sixteen years in
The process of defining.
Unconsciously understanding
The irreparable state
In which I placed
The relationship and that
I had hurt my good friend
Of sixteen years.

But I had broken
The core of me, my
True beliefs.

The catalyst three led me
To understanding that I was
Not the happiest I could be,
That I need too and the giving
Had to stop somewhere though
It’s an inherent trait.

My ideals are out there
I will have them and I
Will be one-hundred percent,
Gloriously, beautifully happy,
Bringing joy and passion
To every day of my life.
This is a commitment
I make to me. I will never
Again break my own trust.

Car Wash,
Funk Soul Brother,
Little Black Sabath,
A little Doors,
A little Stern. All on
The drive to work.
Suckin’ snot down
The back of my throat,
Feeling like shit. Only
Getting to campus to finish
A paper and go to class,
Not interested in work.
Thinkin’…this is no life;
We are only the sum
Of the bonds we form,
The relationships. This shit,
This shit is nothing though
The little things are pleasing.

My hands smell like gas,
The tank was on empty,
Had to stop. Music high,
Window down on the
Highway, I push my hand
Into the airstream above
The mirror, resistant, forming
A delicate arc curving this
Way and that. My hand,
Graceful. When did they
Become graceful when
Did I become this beautiful
Thing in my own right. Why
Is there no one here to see it.

I go about my day in thoughtful repose,
My silence the aching need of your touch.

You should be jealous,
I could have many a man.
You should be smug
As I don’t want just any,
I want you. I adore you.

I
The moon half full, I breathe the cool night breeze.
I look across the expanse of seed in anticipation.
I think of you and am in need
Of your kiss, your touch.

II
The moon half full, I think of you.
If I seem reserved it is my instinct
To retreat from your retreat though
Please understand it is in manner,
Not in heart. I fully realize
The hindrance you bear and state
In which you currently reside, the
Busyness of your day yet
Your reticence brings me doubt,
Yes, insecurity and lack of faith
Because I long to own your time
And I do not, cannot.

I therefore exist on air and words
Not action or touch. I thrive on
The trust in my heart and your
Words that bring me joy. I give
Patience and sweetness of
Understanding and logic. I give
Words of adulation unbound
And expression of thought.

Yes, I want you gone from her if
Only for yourself. I want you happy
And you seem not to be. Evidence
Supports you knew this before me.

I know well the excuses made.

Why now? Why wait.
For the obsessive mind there is no break.
It is all highly suspect and typical of
The jealous, the immature heart.

I am not the on-the-go every evening type.
Though out and about has it’s place, I
Would sooner sit quietly digging, dirt on my face.

If seems I think of you less, it’s all lies.
I think of you more yet my hurt is in disguise
And putting up a brave front.

Soft sad peach don’t cry.
- But it hurts darling…
I know, but your strength is you,
No other, no less. To this confess.
- I adore him, it hurts to adore him.
I know, pretty peach, trust is not
So easy is it.
- No, and I want…so much…
Get your mind on school, girl,
Thoughts of him will keep. Just be there
When he needs you.
- Is that not giving to a fault of which
I have been accused?
No, it’s being you, kind and sweet,
Being soft happy peach and caring deep.

Last night I slept deep,
Waking up at odd intervals
Sensing movement about
The house, it was B- and
This a.m. she left a note,
Already fed Dawn.
That Evil Dawn is gonna get fat
We both keep feeding her.

Can’t wait for the grass to grow,
Grow strong enough for the loves
To tear it up again.
They have such fun with it.

Bought roses night before last…peach.
The beauty in nature, in puppy dog eyes
Keeps me grounded in serenity and smiles.

Things are forming slowly outward,
The inward a molten golden brew
Thick and popping, ready to explode.
I am barely contained, life is that bright
When the goings are most persnickety.

When you’re on the side of good and fairness
Others actions gone astray of course are upsetting.
You can’t control that, only you.
Stop and think, gather your resources,
Put your best foot forward like superman,
Know you are on the side of right and
Maybe the system will surprise you.

For now I lend you the strength of nations
Gone to war, the strength of women
Left ashore to grieve their fathers
Brothers, sons, lovers lost.
Left to face the rape of mothers, sisters,
daughters, self.
I lend you the strength of the female hart,
Her bow and arrow swift that you may
bring your enemy low.
I support you with my kindness, sweetness
And thirst for truth and justice to know.

Sadness that he couldn't be
Like this for me and yet
Sadness in parting turns
To happiness that I was a part
Of his growing and learning.
C- sounds happy and for that
I smile genuinely, letting the sparks hit
And softness grow in
My eyes though he cannot see it.

“You currently appear invisible to StevieRay “.
I can’t be healthy, he’s dead you know,
So I says “I love you darling, see you someday”
Then I took StevieRay from my IM list today.
Just now. 3:15 p.m.

I have shit to deal with and I’m dealing with it,
And it feels fucking awesome.
I am finding peace in my heart finally,
My strength I never knew was just that deep.

Sir, I have decided
You have no chance.

I remind myself that
Dreams are the manifestation of desires.
I desire you, it compels
Me to dream and want more.

Came home, swept the garage, the kitchen, the front porch, did the dishes, fed the dogs, watered the plants out front. I still need to go to the store for dog food, still need to work on my paper and clean my room. Point is, I didn’t want to sit down, didn’t want to write just yet, didn’t want to think. I teared up a bit when I hugged him goodbye then called you because I needed to hear your voice. Frank had been my constant companion since the first of May, my closer friend during April. I will miss talking about stupid everyday things like the house and the dishes and laughing while we watched the dogs. I will miss passing in the hall and asking if he’s eaten. I will miss him trying to feed me and asking if I need anything from the store when he really just wanted to borrow my car to go get cigarettes or movies. I never let so many little bother me though they did. It’s easy to get used to people, to get attached. I think too much as I always do and I realize just how attached I am to you already and miss your presence when we are apart. How I go about my day doing things that need to be done.

Ten till five.
Woke up,
Had a dream,
Bit of sweat just below heavy breasts
My girls
For I had two, only one I could name,
Looked at me like some kind of thing,
Not sure what to do.
The somber night slipped by slowly
It was a birthday perhaps, for the oldest.
They were chubby things maybe seven and six.
Their hair golden like mine.
I turned to you later,
You folded me in strong tall arms
And I breathed deep the cool clean smell of you.

Woke up
In sadness, my old phone flashing,
The battery going dead.

Some things
I think
May need to happen
Within the infinite possibilities.

Five a.m., going back to sleep.

October, November, December and almost through to the end of January, I resided alone and in a blissful state. I awoke and found my loves sleeping in their room curled on top of each other. Each eve I worked on the house, relishing my strength and hard work. I lived to feed my dogs, to feed me, and the house stayed so clean. Then Henry the roomie came and he wasn’t so bad, but then his dog came, and then his woman and I was overwhelmed. May and Frank came to help with the house, he brought with him the smell of smoke and floors in constant need of sweeping. Just before June, JJ came to stay for a month. Henry and his woman left, his dog having gone well before because she liked to chew. With Henry’s leaving, so did some of my things. JJ moved to Cali., leaving much of her stuff for me to handle. I miss her, she is my darling girl, the little sister I always needed. B- came, Frank’s sis. I never see B-, she pays me rent and for food. I know she sleeps here sometimes and showers. I can smell her soft young scent lingering in the hall. She is a beautiful girl with some sense about her but not too much. Just before B- came her puppy Dawn to bring my loves to four. Evil Dawn, she melts my heart. July and though Stevie Ray was not in the house, he was my friend and he came and went all the same, just like so many others, but he committed suicide over god knows what.

It’s late September, almost October and four weeks since I've seen you. I have been missing those early days of last fall when I was still finding my solitude in being alone. It was cut short too quick. I think I needed that time for thought. Almost a year since I've spoken to C’s ma and pa. I miss them; they were my parents for so long. And Daddy’s up in the southwest. I remember thanksgiving and Christmas spent alone, Pris bringing me a plate from her mom. I didn’t want to brave the crowd of uncles, cousins, children and friends. Those were oddly peaceful days, spent in thought and work and writing. Alone, I lived on biscuits and tea, lost five pounds and felt healthy. I have just gained those back plus a few I may have lost last week from stress. I feel beautiful now though with a spark in my eyes for you. Frank leaves tomorrow for Florida where I’ve found him work. And now, in anticipation of the morrow, I am missing my friend, missing having someone to talk to. He is funny and young and I remember what attracted me to him and why I’m not now. So much to do with work and school and I have become accustomed to people again. Tonight I may cry for those I've lost and those I've pushed away. Sometimes I feel like everyone is always leaving, but know truly that they graced my life even if briefly.

So many possibilities in the future, the one I favor holding you. The future though forms freely in and of itself and it’s exciting not to know what it holds. I only know that I was meant to live life with passion and love deeply and impact some lives but not others. I was not meant to live alone.

I
I draw in the half light
Of dawn, one small lamp
Lit beside the bed. Shifting
The pad to meet the light, the ink
Flows uneven. The smallest sound of
Disgust escapes, more felt
Than heard. I shift
The pad away and
Tilt the pen.
The ink flows
More readily but
Lines are less sure
For shadows cast.
Black on dark green so
Difficult to handle, but
It reminds me of you,
Deep, rich, smooth and soothing. The tree,
My tree, something I have always associated with,
Its branches reaching high and
Roots reaching deep,
Appears like a hart and his doe entwined.
We’ll see if my rudimentary skill
Can make it so.

II
I had a dream
Of a concrete room,
Ceilings high with
Deep rich walnut beams
Walls wide in light sleek lines,
Windows open,
Sheer drapes blowing in the breeze
And water in the distance,
My bed with you in it.

III
Soft happy peach,

Dreams are not omens, they
Are the allusion to desires.

Deep rich cowboy,

How does it feel knowing
You have secured me?

IV
I write in the cool light of dawn, the sun just rising. The thoughts are many and more than I can keep contained. So much to do. In the past, it wasn’t always so and the extent of it broke me after a while, but I still think it is so much easier for two. I wonder how it could be good. You are, you see, the antithesis of all I have known. Strengths similar, and differences complimentary, we could feed off each other sweetly, keeping passions high. And that the expression of my thoughts and dreams have not run you off says so much.

V
You think it’s cute?
I think It’s agonizing
And you confuse me.
I want to eat you alive yet
You will not let me.

VI
Mountains once
Seemed insurmountable
Now they are nothing.
I am strong and
It is your strength, your
Autonomy that draws me
Like a moth to a flame I would
Flutter close then away and
Never cling fast.

That is what
Makes me weep, that beauty of it.
The strange aching need for you
Yet the comfort in my own pursuits.

Baby, baby,
I should be getting
Settled in to work,
Not thinking of you.

So this cowboy,
(He had a hat like yours)
He prolly saw me singin’.
I looked over – at a light –
And then up.
He was smiling big, so I,
I smiled back. He tipped
His hat, so I lowered lashes
Appropriately
Like any southern girl should
And blushed.
He drove slow then drove on,
A big wave out the window
Of his truck. And I smiled.

They see it in my smile, my eyes, my walk,
They hear it in my voice.
Happiness cause of you.

I
I talk
To death in dreams.
He is beautiful, wild and free,
Dark and green,
Cloak of shadows
That ebb and flow,
Passion that
Burns like black blue coals
In his eyes.
He is
Intensity.
He is
Like a long lost lover in his caress.
Death is not peace,
He is the actualization
Of the soul’s passions and desires, and
Aspirations
Of which he has gifted
Me a taste in life.
I regret not, sending
My brother to his keep.

II
Baby, baby,
I should be reading
For class not thinking
Of you.

Ah, you,
The hard work you’ve put into your life,
The core of you thrills me
With admiration, respect, and a thirst
For life.

My life,
My strife
Seems weightless
With the depths of you.

Are you excited?
Do you wake up each day excited?

Work two jobs, go to school,
Take care of dogs, of house, of bills,
And even sometimes of self.
Everyday is so fucking beautiful.

When I killed my brother,
For I did you know, in
The denotative sense of the word,
Anyway,
My mind began
It’s shift. Subconscious
Spread to conscious and truth and the world,
The world turned
Altogether too bright.
I approached watching
Through half closed lids,
Doubling over in the agony of despair.
I shuffled my feet forward.
Always,
Forward.

The brightness, the burning
It’s still blinding but
Now I look full on and
Mark it’s beauty in searing passion
For life and truth.

Some things are just
A part of me, my
Story written in blood like ink.
They make me who I am.

That shy girl unsure,
Yet always independant now
Rushes forward at the shiny
She wants to hold and cherish and adore.

Je vous adore'.

Perhaps more knowledge
Would assuage my…
Restlessness? A statement
Perhaps of your intentions,
What, when, how.

You know mine, I believe.
And yet, this is

An exercise in restraint, in
Relinquishing control, in
Not having a clear grasp
On things. An exercise in
Trust.

I have always led, for lack of finding
another capable,
Taken care of things as the only one able.
And thus my strength grew.
And I find myself, the peach, anew.

Let me handle you carefully,
Caressing smooth skin and deep thoughts.
With the intent to spoil,
Accepts the gifts I have to give.
Let me take care of you
Day in, day out and in my way.
Let me cherish you, show you
All that is in me. Let me keep you
On your toes. I’ll only ask
For the same in return, for flesh
And words and other acts of
Expression.

If I doubt, I doubt God,
Not you or I, no, just God
For he fucks me over
And rarely allows.

Fate left in my own hands,
I will take you with passion,
Knowing I deserve a good life.

You confuse me.

In awe I see you reside
In calm and stillness,
No hurry do I see;
I live in fire of breath
Of passion, fire in the belly,
Stoked flames by your
Allowance of my honesty.

I am impatient, wanting,
I move ever forward swiftly,
Wanting to know, wanting to consume
You in the heat of the day.

Residing at fathoms deep,
Restless hunger gnaws,
Desirous to know.

I the child
Bounce, skip,
Flirt in eager
Anticipation.

The end I see I want deeply
And yet, the journey free,
What fun.

And I wasn’t looking,
You weren’t looking,
Yet we saw each other.

Talk of your mundane day
Fills me flush.

Weather turns cool eventually
And the skies darken early.
My mind will turn even more
So to thought of passages and doors.

I leak sometimes
Spontaneously.

All this thought excites me, the future unknown,
My self unraveling, revealing wondrous things.

I search for meaning in a photograph,
Ask of eyes in a face gone these years past,
Spread the cards that speak in tongues,
Touch a slender hand to cool metal,
Ask of a god not of biblical proportions
But of my own device to please lend me
Guidance, yet

As always, I am my own keeper.

The quest for knowledge,
For tangible proof of the acquisition of such,
The price is steep and my own happiness I must keep
In the forethought.

I am ever flowing, rarely compromising, but instead
Adaptable. Even the rush in wind though
Can break at some point.

When adversity strikes I grow still, think deeper
And in that stillness, the denseness, the bubbles
Form to solid mass, and it is hard, churning, coldly
Analytical. It is called “the endeavor to persevere”.
It does what it must to live.

Persevere mostly resides just below the surface,
A soft green moss on roots diving in to moist
Rich soil, only conquered by the brightness
Of the heart and soul that shines in a bright
White light.

The heart that bleeds bright red and smiles
Sweetly on the human touch. The heart that breaks
In sacrifice of others few, almost the martyr.

Others few, this is the purpose of life that sheds
Worldly matters like a cloak in the warmth of spring,
Realigning self. This is happiness. Happiness is you.

And my quest for knowledge? Will never flee.

I am ever thinking in lyrical veins
Bleeding ink on paper for all to view
I am passion bright that feeds the flames.
If time is not yours, I would be time around you
And I would keep you on your toes.

I write in the soft light of dawn,
Lose my coffee, go to look, come back
And find it there beside the book
I had just held when I thought I lost my coffee.

I was a bright, mischieviously introverted child,
You can see it in the eyes even at a year old, yes,
The picture of me being held by daddy smiling.

The meaning of life is
To be happy and love
Truly. I could never attain
A higher doctoral.

Could you support me
While I read and write
And keep the house, and
Plot of ways to thrill you?
Could I? Ah, I love to strategize.

Yesterday was the most beautiful day.
Pris was amazed with all the adversity
And puffy eyes that I smiled and blushed
And spoke of teasing of names, of being happy
In this moment, time and place.

What's a girl to do?
Go for a Piggy Pie
And paint her toenails
PEACH! lol.

I
Now she has a name,
A birthdate,

An address,

And I still want what I want.

II
Forgive me
For wishing her elsewhere?
It is selfish. I have never been

Selfish.

Until you.

Comes the true hart,
Come to eat the fruit ripe
And full, ready. She is ready.

I deal in possibilites not
Probabilities. - r.l.m.l.m.
You play at names
I blush profusely.
And the sweetest dreams
That come are the actualization
Of reality; diving in, eyes wide
In wonder, scared shitless.

It wasn't the state I absolved,
It was the union with incompataibilty.

I
How empowering,
The setting aside
Of emotions, gaining
The closure. Still
Working through
Physical details.
Moving forward,
The moon was
Bright and clear
Last night.

II
And they carry on
In their worlds lost
To each other anon
Until the inevitable
Day of wonder when
They come together
In sweetest embrace
And the earth shakes.
Lady hawk and man
Of the beast. Patience
Sooth away the day,
Sleep away the night.

Martin feels like he hit bottom, he says when you hit bottom there’s no place left to go but up. I laugh and say bullshit, there’s a whole lotta down you don’t know about till it hits you. I tell him, I say, when you hit bottom there’s nothing to do but smile and be happy and deal with it. I guess I've hit bottom a few times. I been making a list, crossing things out, adding to it, crying a bit and smiling a lot.

Martin is learning a lot from me; that you can't be committed to a commitmet, that you have to stop and think about compatability and if it's it what you really want. I'm learning a lot from him; not to rationalize things before they happen, that some things don't mean anything, they simply are. He's a good friend.

To me, there’s nothing more beautiful than life and I live it simply and with abandon, filling each day with passion - about my craft, my art, my soul, my heart. Little things bring me smiles like making sure my students eat. I do what makes me happy and what makes me happy is a certain smile, a certain voice and words that make me blush - one tall drink of water - and a mind sexy as hell.

On death in the past I wrote

I should stop going through things
Yet I am so close to closure.
Four weeks to the day
Robert died (in April 02) I wrote:
There’s fire in my belly, I want to spit.

And shortly after:

I
There was an ugly girl looking back at me
Instead of my own reflection. Her face is
Darkly tanned as only a man’s should be.

II
I pull the damp towel across my face pressing hard, knowing I should dab. My brother is dead. The astringent is made of lettuce, supposed to cool dry skin and it feels good when the air hits. Tears fall as fingers dab at the carrot cream that smoothes tiny wrinkles around the eyes. When did I get those? When did I get old enough to deal with this. When did my father get so frail. Why wasn’t he the one to kill. I killed my brother, didn’t I? Tears fall in rivers.

III
Can I fall apart now?
-nooo, not yet.
When?
-later, soon.
Why?
-he needs you,
-your daddy needs you,
-Robert needs you,
-you need you.

IV
It’s been over two months and his birthday’s come and gone yet I still cry most mornings. I owe him that. He wasn’t ready to leave. The desire and need to comfort him still remains and I feel that my thoughts are as much for him as for me.

V
I gaze up at the browning blossoms and disseminate slowly, gently pushed by slow rhythms until my eyes swell and crust and the tissue shreds in to a soggy drying mess. I thought she’d gone, Meloncholy, but time passed and she’s shown herself again.

I
Clearing out late summer,
Ready to move
Into the autumn of my life
With surety and confidence and joi de vive,

I come across the gifts from youth I presented
With the simple, unfettered nature of a child. Gifts
My mother set aside so callously then, Gifts she
Returned later to seek her own self.

Clearing out late summer,
Ready to move
Into the autumn of my life
With surety and confidence and joi de vive,

I come across gifts a young girl’s heart presented
With the unselfishness of the enamored,
Expression of thought and emotion
Taken for granted.

Clearing out late summer,
Ready to move
Into the autumn of my life
With surety and confidence and joi de vive,

I acknowledge, this is who I am.
This is who I want to be, giving
In nature and free of censure.

II
Capricorn: Time for a little autumn cleaning. Discard the detritus; keep only the good stuff.
Lol, I’m doing just that today, both mentally and physically.

III
I have questions to ask because I am curious. I will not ask them because I am afraid to move forward. Just a little while longer I would like to reside here in laughter’s sweetest kiss, seeing you as often as often as possible.

When all is said and done
At day's end I smile sweetly
If not a bit forlorn, think of
The last time and sleep in
Happy, sundrenched dreams.

Found letters from Laura in 93’. She was so hopeful and speaking of Katie and Simon not yet born. “She forgets to pull her pants down, I just can’t get her to understand. God they say boys are harder, what will I do!... I planted a bunch of bulbs outside, you’ll have to come in early spring.” And Katy’s scribbles at the end, make me cry. Her children, she loved so dearly, they were the world to her. I wonder why god made her so restless, dragging behind her the kids. I wonder why I was ever put in the position to support Chris’s claim for support while she was in jail. I wonder what they look like now that I retreated from their lives so long ago, wanting them the stability of family I never had even though mine was together under one roof. Someone called having sited her last year, wondering if I had heard anything at all. I said no, she came upon you after me. She was last seen leaving a little town in Oklahoma, headed to the city with a man.

The house at Sand Point.
I almost drove there today.
I wanted to visit Robert
And grandmother and
Granddaddy. Instead Pris
And I took sun and spoke
Of past, present and future.
Mostly of present where I reside.

Until you I had settled on
Growing old alone. Now
Know I that it is impossible,
Impassioned, I must share
Myself. I retreated because
I am tired. I am tired still.

Thought a lot today
Of sky blue dreams
And goals set when
None others came.
Thought a lot of you.

I am bad off with missing you.
If not on the same page, oh well,
I can only communicate me, what
I feel, what I perceive and hope
You will clarify as needed.

In the end I define
I am not happy overall,
Only with you, and
I need to be otherwise
Also. I am thinking.

I wouldn't know how to explain
What you are to me.
- I'm your angel.
Yes you are.
But what am I to you?
The cause of your happiness, truly?

The incongruency between words and actions
Brings doubt then doubt turns
Quickly to worry if you're safe.
I blow it off.

It is simple, what I want
More days spooning,
And yet a lot to ask

Regret hath ne’r trespassed
Upon me. Anger left along
The path my brother trod.
They both escape me. And
These deepest things have
Graced me: faith and trust.

I am that comfortable with you
That I can write my deepest needs.

Some things I don’t recall and yet I remember with sweet smiles
everything you wore, I wore, and your lizard who didn't want to jump.

I
I am as strong as I am
Frail.

I walk with purpose,
Fast and in long strides,
Head held high.
I catch the eye of many a man,
The looks, the smiles. and
Even today the ladies three
In their Fashion and wit
Took a look at me
And returned the gaze.

They flirt because I smile
And am polite. They see
The happiness in my eyes
And it blinds them, they
Want to touch a brief
Glimpse of that stuff
I hold for you, be close
To awesomeness.

And in the next breath
Sadness seeks a soulmate,
I pine, wanting to see you.
If I am withdrawn it is this,
This and work.

II
Monday stay,
Enjoy your time with your friends.

III
My words were in earnest and sweetly sad.
You will need to deal with her, with me
Eventually.

IV
I could learn so much from you,
Already have.

Three days fishing
A place I miss from youth.
Sounds like heaven,
the best time ever.

Three days without you,
I guess I'll get things done
Just like I always do.

I
The man next to me is dressed nice but he has a ballcap and radio. He sways with the train, his eyes closed, head nodding and jerking up now and then. I like him; he leaves me alone. There’s a couple two seats ahead. His arm around her shoulder, they speak in hushed tones, tete a tete, head to head. They each listen so intent, each seemingly so cherished. I look down before they catch me, before my eyes tear but too late. I want that, I think to myself. I struggle to recall if I ever had that. Yes, I think, once maybe, when I was complacent and young. Not the tete a tete, not the listening to me, not the gaze in the eyes, but the arm around me maybe. I want more, I sigh, I will have more, I state firmly. And no tears fall. Instead I stretch me eyes; they’re almost dry. I smile sweetly and think of you.

II
You can speak of her to me, you know, of anything really. I do recognize that she is at present a part of you. I am truly an unbiased ear. I could hurt to hear some things, yes. It would hurt more not to be your confidant. To not know your heart would hurt more.

III
It’s a plan, the house, one when I had no other.
I love working on it, I will love working on another.
The degree, it will happen soon.

IV
I want to go to China and to see the coast, the reefs off Japan. Panama, Africa, I stand amazed, I want to go so bad. My god I will miss you and will anticipate your return. Maybe someday we’ll see a place together.

V
Sun warm, water blue and the man’s arms heavy, thwap thwapping at the water then silence as he turns then thwap again, thwap. These things lull me, pleasing as I write, eat my pastrami and watch the workmen up the side of the building. I wanted you there with me beside the water. Wanted to tell you one sure thing. That I am happy “cause of you”, your words spur me on to feel, to write.

The dream oft would whisper
– honoria,
Rolling off my tongue,
Lingering as I woke,
Its’ soft connotations undefined
At the back of my mind.
And now I find I've searched
My life long for just that.

Around 12 c., love was not
Falling, it was not the sickness
Of yearning, it made everything
Wonderful. It was the best that
Could happen. Men were the lover
And women the beloved.

Honor
Honor
To trust in someone as
They trust in you.
Open, honest and truthfully,
To live in honor.
My god the thought of attaining
Some portion, some merit of this
Thrills me to no end. To live
Happy and with out guise.

A list of conditions, Tom says, and yes Friday is fine. I’m nervous. I have worked so hard this past year. I still don’t know what the appraisal says, what did the woman think of my house, my home, am I validated as a human being, has my internal turmoil been in vain, all for naught. She was personable enough but left so abruptly with her, ok thank you.

Stop it, Peach, stop it, I say. But old habits of doubt and second guessing die hard. Those are ingrained deep beginning from the womb. I am learning to trust, learning that I am glad I grew myself from scratch, that the world and I don’t quite match, that I love who I am. I am learning that, my god I was a beautiful girl. No one told me and I never thought to ask. No one looked out for me. No one seemed concerned and I just never thought I had the right to ask.

I am still thinking through some things, less now than before, but look back and have no clue who I was, only who I am. The conditions, Tom says he has a list. I smile and can’t wait to see all the things he’ll need.

Je vous adore
I adore you
Je vous veux
I want you

I walk barefoot in the grass
And twirl in the sun, spinning free,
Dropping to my knee and on the
Ground giggling no breath comes.
My smile so wide my heart aches
And face so flushed I spread
My arms wide in the grass taking
Huge handfuls and breathing deep
The laughter and the joy.

Awesome. Cause of me? Cause of you.
Baby you are the bright orange crush burning.

I give you so many words
When I am with you I
Only want to feel.

Honey
Did it fall naturally from your lips,
An utterance from your finger tips,
Was it sweet like peach, face flushed
Eyes half closed, dreaming of the sun.

If the need is that great, quench it in me.

If they weren’t of you
These words would still
Be of somethin’.

It was you that was
Quiet in your quietude
Today. But I read nothing
Into it. I presumed you were
Busy. And the night came
And I had much to do but
Waited, wanting to catch
My last glimpse yet I missed
You. I miss you still.

If you knew
The gift I give, the one
Where doubt and worry
Do not live, but where
Trust in truth, open and
Honest do I oft meet.
The place in me where
I do greet the new day bold.

It is in me to doubt,
Ingrained to the deep,
Self worth never to flout
In past I did repress, deny.
Most need humbling but not I,
I for you will reach the sky
My imperfections do not lie
But scream, “I am me, I
Am beautiful, I am free.”

I am crying.
Sadly in happiness
Do I weep, I pray the lord my
Council for to keep. I whisper
Soft, “please…” though not to beg
But to ease the ache my soul
Has come to know is you.

Never back away, tell me if
You need to leave though I
Long to hear you will stay.

Sir, I want you happy and well
This is the damdest thing cause

I will
Keep falling and to you I sing
In lyrical language from a soul

In the past that slipped forth
From veins bled not once but

Twice and three times or
More as surrounded by many
It stood alone.

And in aloneness I found me
And draw forth.

He has my history,
you have not,
But to every waking
Hour you I give my thought.

I
It is no longer
About possession or
Commitment to a thing
But the ability to be

Happy and
To be
Ever changing,
To respond to the

Ebb and flow, the
Needs of the other.

I have learned
So much and
Everyday
I learn more.

To feed the
Other’s passions
With joy and
Exuberance.

Make dreams
Come true.

II – Pictures of Youth
We were all
So young, so
Malleable, so
Ready to be
Cherished and molded.
We each did the best
We could, growing
From scratch, growing
Up alone in a house full
Of others. Searching
For identity. Self struggle.

Even then I gave to a fault,
But that fault is my strength
In stubbornness I refuse to bend.
I only need to find
The other who can give the same.

III
You are focused and driven,
Something to which I aspire,
Something I greatly admire.

I am finding our differences
As wondrous as our samenesses.

I
Artist: Cowboy Junkies
Song: Ring on the sill

“Do you remember when you'd pray to never see the day
when someone would make you feel this way'
Cause you knew they would cut right through you
and once inside, you were afraid they'd find
nothing to hold on to”

II
Do I cut right through to the core of you
Can you feel the strings pulling
Your passion and heart to mine.

III
Ah the strings, they pulled once
My heart to gut and knew I
Despair. An ache so deep it’s more
Real than the cutting of flesh.

If it seems I think too much on death, I can
Only say some things will haunt me all my day.

IV
She thought to keep her distance for she can bear
Losing and the breaking of her heart, dispair.
She would save all from caring and watching
Her die someday. She thinks too much, feels too deep.

She would take the bullet in greed though, to see you live.

V
Jesus Christ these fucking strings of need pull tight.

I have a thing for rocks
Their shape, their color,
Their feel under my thumb.
At that house on the lake,
The front deck was lined
With them, mostly mine.
I wonder when my aunt sold
If they were swept off
Or thrown away. Please if
You see me set one down,
You see them lying
Not on the ground
Don’t move it, let it be.
It could be mine,
So think of me, the next
Rock out of place you see.

In this time,
I need to get things done,
It could be a month, a year,
But I will not set you aside.

To this time
I give you all of me, anything
You ask you shall receive.

In this time I ask of you,
Speak to me of dreams and passion,
Let me know you, let’s find out if…
This is too good to be true.

I feel the future forming and it is warm
Like breezes off the ocean floor
And the sun on my face, the water clear and blue.

Never assume, always ask and I shall answer truly.
It is you I adore and to whom I give all of me freely.

I
I am going to spoil you with
Adoration and the maturity of
Intellect and skin on skin - sweet.

I am going to spoil you with giving
Unconditional. Yes I will give,
But even more I will take.

I am going to eat you alive with
Bright smiles and tears, sharing
With you all my hopes and fears.

II
I almost wish I
Could have kept it light and sweet
A brief interlude where we could meet
Now and then.
But seemingly you knew from the start
I would fall deep, you would have my heart.

So if almost meant something,
I Would turn away
Instead I brave it out and choose to stay.

III
I will not be consumed, my life, my time,
But honey you have my heart and mind,
My body's needs and my soul's retreat,
I can only tell you...it's just a matter of time.

IV
Some things are worth patience,
Worth waiting for. In this life,
None other have I such adored.

I set aside my fear, if you could
Only know how deep, how dear it costs,
But some things are worth patience
And so many I have lost.

V
I have always held with me a certain awe
And brought it in to every day.
You feed that awe with laughter and lust
And mirror the joy of life I must have.
I must.

VI
The presence of her hurts me deeply,
Keeps me from that some kind of wonderful that I feel is you.
But you are your own being and have your own way and I
Cannot tell you when to go or stay.
I can only listen, lend an objective ear, take a chance on you
And feel my future is near.

Ode to Ma Fishy

His name is Feisty Boy Elektra Two
Elektra One having died at SMU
Where the water and air sucked eggs.

I got F.B.E. Two cause I killed double J’s Taki.
And no no no, I did not make him a super maki.
Taki the Good Fish, for his food he begged.

F.B.E. Two is fiery red, a mean bugger
He gets really excited to see his Mugger.
(That’s me, he can’t pronounce mommy or mother.)

Me and F.B.E. Two saw the world.
We traveled in Pris’s red jet liner, The Saturn-Esque.
We fought monsters when we met:
Fowl and gerbil, scaring a lady and her Nurble (dog that is.)
F.B.E. Two paid Pris no mind
But me! Grrrr, rawwwwr, he jumps me behind.
Snappy! Snappy!

Ode to ma fishy, Feisty Boy Elektra Two,
Dat boy loves his momma, and fishy, I’s adore you.

I
No matter where she has been,
All slept well in her abode
While she restless slept poor.
She slept deep and well at that house on the lake
And then the once at Annie and Dad’s.
But Sanctuary walks her house in the wee hours,
Darkness flowing about her ankles.
The machines whir and the dogs stir, she is home.
She is in a place benefiting
Of the fruits of her labors,
She works hard to feed her soul, to seek her place.
You feel good to her, like groove
In the table she stained by hand that a soft thumb seeks
Absentmindedly. You feel like home.

II
How will I spoil you?
In adoration and honesty,
With words truly scrumptious,
And the desire to understand,
Never anger, never blame.
I will spoil you with respect and
Admiration and desire.

Knowing you in a cursory state,
I saw the tip of my ideals and
Each day knowing you better,
My first thoughts etch deeper.

I am comfortable with you.
Feeling compatible on so many levels.

Quiet today? But my heart is bursting.

It was the last I had to say, but I so want to ask,
Why are you here with me if you are happy with her.

Overwhelmed, I realized just how much I missed you. Just how much I want to see you. Just how much I can’t. After further thought and to compound things, with school and hopefully more work – because I want to handle some things quickly – my schedule will be worse than yours.

Come to me in the midnight hours if need be.
Just so I can touch your face, feel your skin,
Your mouth on me.
Let me meet you to do mundane things like
Buying thick sliced chopped ham.

So scared of hurt,
More so of not trying.

Handle me with patience and understanding and
I will step back and respect that
You have your own style I’d like to learn.

In you I see the best of me,
The similarity and compatibility.
Our differences are no less adored.

There by the grace of god I go
Stepping off into the depths of hell.
Come fire up to meet me, licking.
I do not turn away.

Daddy talked about his Annie
And says….faith.
Pris says I’m beautiful when I cry
And don’t be mad at god.
I say, talk to me.

Big girls do cry.
They do what they have to do,
Not what they want,
And then they cry like hell.

I could identify six scents today in class.
All from the girl next to me.
She must have brushed my shoulder
Or the air permeated my skin.
I can still smell her
It took hours, but my headache dissolved
After much thought of you.

You’re the good guy they want to marry,
The bad boy they want to tame.
What are you doing hangin’ around me.

Find me tonight in dreams.

I had a dream of beaches warm.
I had a dream of taking your arm.

Never exploring outside
The commitment to commitment
Of stubbornness shorn,
Never allowing my own happiness, now
Terrified on the brink of allowance,
Standing naked in the sun, wanting
Sweetly what I trust more than not,
I chance the burn.

You can’t understand the strength of this trust,
It cannot be articulated in words,
Only in the touch of a kiss on salty tears
Or a slow soft caress of possession.

I saw death in the face of
My brother pleading. I am
That ready to live, to be happy.

Though open to what may come,
I was not looking, was not ready
For this, the strength of things overwhelming.

You were looking to have fun and I
A brief interlude.
Lay it out vulnerable and naked,
Your needs, your want, your vision of
Things to come. It is best before
I fall much further.

Not Control, just a good grasp and understanding.

I
Once I bled
My soul like ink
On paper dripping
From veins blue.

Now I write the soul
That sings softly
Humming and going
About the day.

II
Damn dichotomy
Of death, divorce
Depression, harsh
On my palate. D
Like k for kill, I shudder.

My southern voice
And soul is more
Satisfied with flesh
And skin and
Seductive soliliqy.
It flies with color.

III
Each day fair ready to burst.
My chest, my breast
Can only hold it so long without
The need to articulate.
I’m going to say it soon.

IV
I fought for no other,
Do not fight for you.
I will fight for me,
My happiness that in
Your eyes I see and
That gorgeous girl
Staring back.

V
In the circumstance,
Things are still fifty-fifty.
I am a realist.

I miss a body in my bed,
Walking hand in hand,
Arms open wide for me
I miss these things I never or
Rarely had or did.

I live for that
First kiss hello and that
Last kiss goodbye.
I adore your kiss.

For the rest of my life I will
Know joy everyday, I will
Express the things I feel.
I will keep passion in my life, alive.
I will live and breath truly.

“The myriad small creatures trying to tie us
to ground, to a life consumed by slow decay…”
I eat those little bastards for breakfast.

So I says to that girl,
“Get the fuck off.”
She nods, her whole
Damn body shakin’
And pigtails flyin’.
Face grinnin’,
Glasses bumpin’,
Man she a happy girl.

Talk to me. Tell me what
You're thinking, where
We're going.
I don't need you.
I do fine by myself.
Did fine by myself.

Logic. The apriori follows
Like response to stimuli.

Can I trust my perceptions
I don’t know. They are that skewed.
He was the extreme against you.

Time
Time
Time
Time will tell and yet,
Time runs out.
I am restless, wanting

I knew me once;
Eventually I would have just walked away.
I was not a fighter.

I know me now
Eventually I will expect a declaration.
I will fight.

Artist: Hot Chocolate
Song: You Sexy thing

I stepped out into the warm dark night
And felt the grass beneath my feet,
The quiet. I was utterly alone and
That’s ok.

Today when you had time, my work drew me.
And I had waited for such a piece of your time.

She raised her
parents poorly and her sister.
Her brother in the end turned out decent
Too bad about the dying young and all.
Her dad really, finally grew up on his own
And he is her family now though distant.
When she raised her husband, she got him
As far as she could, but couldn’t quite
Get him far enough.
Somewhere along the line, though truly
Sprung full grown from the womb,
She raised herself. She grew from a little
Seed into a soft happy peach and in that,
She did a fair good job.
She’s done with raising for now,
And smiles at the other full grown.

No one has ever
Checked up on me
Not ever.
Or made me feel
Like a princess
Not until you.

My fantasy,
My fantasy is you.

I love, language laughing,
Lilting softly sweet and
The lack thereof when
My heart is in retreat,
Still and moved deeply,
Soul burning I quiet.

How did we meet,
What is our story and
Where are we now?
I’m just hanging on
Each day enjoying
The ride not too
Worried about
The outcome cause
My heart is true and
I am happy.

If you could see me
Smiling sweetly
Face flushed
Eyes damp
Heart fair to burst
Of course you’re my angel.

Suddenly I am thinking
How tan your arms are, how strong.
I want to run a thumb along the inside,
I want to taste your skin in the sun,
In the heat of the day. I blush words,
They just spill out when I am happy.

That day at my house,
The thought of seeing you
My stress was less.
And then you arrived
I could not recall
The feelings or the reasons.
The moment had passed,
You had taken it from me.
Things seemed more doable.

Your smile beams
Back at me in threes
From both my desks,
Your smile, it is
Amazing.

Verisimilitude this is not.

Take me away
Where I can teach and write,
Where you can fish
And the days are bright.
Your dreams are beautiful.

I know you have it,
I saw it in your house,
Your truck, but
It’s not you, cause
I also see how
You work hard
And you’re so smart
It makes me wet
And you’re so cool
You eat spam.

I have worked my life
Don’t mind hard work.
I have tried so hard
Always and trying now.
I am tired sometimes
I could weep. I don’t.

I run in the house,
Sometimes I fall;
I play rough with the dogs,
Scratches and scarrs;
I sleep deep and hard,
Slobber on the pillow;
I live life fully and free,
The wind in my face
Smiling broadly,
And that was just
Last weekend,
Imagine the rest of my life.

In speaking last eve
I came to realize
The scope of trade
In which you deal
And just how more
Smart you are than
I originally thought
And how this gets
Me really, really hot.

My new fall sweater in black and tan,
I think of the rug at the foot of your bed,
Your linens piled in the floor,
Your skin as I ran my hands along your back,
The extent of the desire that has invaded me.
The passion spreading and I the simple host,
I think and ponder my reaction to you.

I
Honey, the brown one, isn’t eating well.
I worry, test her nose, it’s dry.
Test her nose again, it’s wet.
She is the skittish one, her big eyes,
The way she pads along right on my heels…

I thought to give them up, maybe one
Maybe two, but I have lost so many,
I have to have something to love,
And I could never so let’s wait and see,
The future is forming...finally.

II
And I doubt you can but I want to ask
To see where we’re at then, and if
You would, could you meet my daddy.
It’s not till mid-October.

I
I work in the heat of the day though
It’s not so hot for summer, simply humid.
I wipe the sweat from my brow, the
Back of my hand pushing hair away,
Coming back moist, clean, my brow
Now smudged with dirt and clay.

Bags of dirt, bags of pea gravel, plants,
Pots, I am thinking forward, planning.
Music streaming, I close my eyes to the heat
And wait in the long line, not wanting
To brave the cool inside. I have time.
Skin moist, nose to shoulder,

I breath deep the smells of summer, of
White Verbena , Jasmine and salt.
I want to test my skin with tongue but
Don’t. Instead I think of you and the lake.

II
I awoke apprehensive
Your intellect
Excites the hell out of me.
I want to lick
Your brain,
Suck it out
Through any given orifice.

III
Worry and Doubt
Are my kryptonite.
I haven’t seen either
Hanging around lately.

Your voice today
Just now
I had wanted to hear.

My heart whispers
Watashi no Momo desu.
(My name is Peach.).

I have no shame,
No guile.
In honesty
I keep,
I hold
No emotions back.

Two things still tug
On my sleeve,
They want your
Confidence.
They are the deepest
Of me.

Did you think of me - Yes.
Where were you - Everywhere.
What were you doing - Everything.
Well I can say the same.

And god gave the little ugly girl
Beauty as she grew.
Some measure of decorum
Hard earned over the years.
She, she is a beautiful woman,
The little girl inside,
Humility and grace, balance.

Her mind reels,
The intellect, the inspiration
That some kind of wonderful reveals.

My soul is hungry, I feed it with you.

Some things take time
And that’s what I give you
Though please know
I hunger. I want. I desire.
Deeply with all my being.
I would love to stalk you sweetly.

Hush now,
Comes the morning wind
On leaves soft like heaven sends.
I rub my nose to the air slowly,
My face cupped in warm caress.

I draw, ink pen in hand.
And the lines move me,
The white space pleasing.

I am in a cool funk
Maybe I should slow down.

I am
Poised in stillness suddenly
And only I know it is not silent retreat
But a calm serenity of being.

Slide your hands along me.
The inside of elbow and wrist,
Your strength pressing, testing.

Swaying softly to slow beats
I move in the rythm of me
Thinking of you.

I
I cried today
For some things that
Never change.
I had hoped you were
Growing, thought you were.

I tapped into that little girl,
The young women treated
Undeserving, unimportant
Even by and to herself and
I cried for the sadness of years.

I cried for making the right decision
That I thought hurt you deeply, but,
Really broke my own soul. I cried,
Not understanding how I could have
Ever been so weak. I cried feeling

Taken advantage of
I did not let the sentiment bleed
Into the present.

II
I shred my life
Listening to Floyd,
Listing and remembering,
“ah, that was when,”
Sadness and the anger stirring.
Not the best time.

III
These three months and I
Had just decided I
Would die alone and happy.
You shook me.

I see past lean sinew
To the good stuff of you.
That’s what I meant
By “eh, kinda cute.”
*Licks your brain.
You drove me wild
Before we even met.
I missed saying
Bye for now,
Yesterday.
I miss you horribly,
Today.

I am 100% absolutly gloriously beautiful
In my thought and in my wanting,
And in your eyes perfection dwells.
You make me think, you inspire.
Ah you, I do adore and admire.

So fucking smart,
You're so cool.
I had no chance
Not ever.

Internal struggles
I must voice,
So I write them out,
My soul singing,
My soul bleeding,
Or just me thinking.

Energy low
Busy day ahead
Busy day yesterday
If I am quiet, that’s all.
Mostly.

Things fall naturally,
Altered only by parameters,
Human constructs all.

Idealization, fantasy and the illusory concept – “Or might we regard idealization as, sometimes, a process of bringing alive features of the other that are hidden and masked in ordinary, everyday interactions?” Oh man I love reading psychology…

Kismet called trying to renig.
Told him to fuck off.
He called again, I didn’t answer.
He came by the house,
I beat the shit out of him.
He finally left the decision longer
And in my hands of fate
Forming fire in the heart,
Burning of the soul,
And wetting of the lips.

Something serious to ponder,
I thought, is this the happiest?
Or was I committed to the
Commitment I had made.
I think fast and form thoughts faster
And change my mind in understanding
So many times. I voice these.
And all things fell simply to the
Things I need and need to give
And they weren’t there.

I am finding them here,
Only a constraint on time,
Not on my heart, not on my desire
Are theses things held from me.

Harsh reality,
Chick on the side.

I shy from rating you a ten
From calling you perfect
Though I think it.

It is in me, I can feel it humming softly happy.
I will not articilate the single sound.
It would break me.

You know where I'm at
I'll be here a while yet
Not knowing but trusting in you.

Save it for me,
The sweetness of kisses in the rain.

More and I wanted it yesterday.
Too much and I need it now.
Thoughts I express and the next
Antithetical to last while juxtaposed
To the one even after.
I have opened my heart to possibilities
And am ever thinking, curious.

Life is short,
Things change,
People die,
Be happy.

That chat is a game
Yet it thrilled me today,
Your claiming possession.
The assumption of others of
Your claiming possession.
My letting you.

I was lost in you
So comfortably.
You’re so cool
I wonder
Did my eyes give me away
The pink in my cheek,
Or my heart on the sleeve
Of the shirt you lifted
Sweetly.

Life is too short to spend it less than happy.
In selfishness and anger I will not abide nor reside.
No, never again.

I sing the sweetness of dying
Where fantasy and idealization
Lead to truth and desire for actualization.
Romance and passion are reality
If you actively choose them.

“speak to me of passion,
never settle for less.”

God that I may always remain
In honesty and possess the desire
To comprehend and nurture
My individuality and his, to feed
His passions with mine, to live
Furiously, grant me this.

Dreams don't lie, honey,
how soon is now?
Would you like to go to Vegas?

It would thrill me
If you said yes,
Somewhat relieve me
If you said no.

I should turn from you.
The thought won’t leave.
Speak to me in soft slow tones
Tell me to go.
I am afraid of falling.
The circumstance and you
Are not mine yet
I claim possession freely
With the cool confidence that lay
Sleeping all these years.
Ah the things you see
No other has gleaned.
Tell me to go
Now before I fall further,
Before I touch your skin
Again and know desire.

Too late.
Only one thing holds me back.

My heart is full.
Of dreams
I will fulfill.
One is you,
Another you feed
Each day
As you read
My soul.

You’ll save it for me?
You’ll save it for me?
Ah but I adore you.

In the analysis of the anxiety, the subject is able to identify its source as the lack of a clearly defined role. In identifying the lack of role, the subject further understands this as an impediment to the natural development of the relationship. Having identified chemistry and compatibility, the subject finds interest in moving forward, but cannot. The subject should feel insecure in the anxiety of not knowing the outcome or not having obtained a point-blank admission or clearly stated intentions. The subject, however, is secure having simply identified the source of the anxiety. She is happy, and decisions are left for another day.

I want to walk with you in the sun.

After 16 years, it took her four months to come to conclusions.
Yes, it could have worked, but can you ask someone to change
Their character, intrinsic values of who they are?
Or do you leave to find someone more compatible?

I adore you.
I am
Quite taken with you
Goddamnit, I am falling more each day.
I am soft happy peach.

In words softly sweet,
Tell me
Everything’s gonna be all right.
Tell me
What’s going on.
Tell me
To mind my own business.

Gently of your touch I need
I want
To push you away.
I want
To flee.
I like you too well
Already.

I have faults
You need to find
Though I can’t list them.

I think of you too much.
My god you
Make me, you
Make me
Feel.

I am antithetical,
Weighing to extremes.
I am torn in complexities.
I break down into simplicities
And I find, still, I am happy.
You make me happy.

Trust can be a tenuous thing.
And if ever you doubted,
Don’t doubt on me.
I am unlike anything
You have known or will ever know.

I am not a real girl
I only pretend sometimes with frippery.
I grew by my own rules
And they have stuck with me.

Just know I like you, you.
And there are now things I will not say
Unless you ask them of me.