though rare
soft
sounds
of whispered
ohhhhhs and
flesh on
flesh
fading
lost
save
the rhythm
in my
body
in my
heart
how can I live
without this;
though rare
is the occasion
of my indulgence,
how?
always it is strong
I own to no people but I
feel it deep, the land,
the great magnet as he shifts.
Tears of the people spring
from the endless well
sometimes seemingly from
the blue father sky (down).
These people, my blood
from father from mother;
their sadness is one, their
heart a collective soul, their
will the strength of nations
gone to war, of women left
behind, their spirit...
endeavors to persevere
always, always it is strong.
the short list
depression
melancholy
social ineptitude
death by cancer
four deaths by old age
marriage
hearing loss
depression
social ineptitude
death by my hand
depression
tiny bean didn't make it to zygote
I called her Skye Marie when I cried
depression
cheating
growth
divorce
social ineptitude
death by his hand, suicide
growth
deafness
depression
What order do I put these in?
chronological seem so cold.
I know where my daddy is, he's
up in the northwest. I know
where my brother is, he's gone
to the grave. Where is sister but
missing in America and in her
soul. Where is mother but gone
to her senility I pray not to catch.
And I am here in contemplation,
lost between strength and none,
writing the short list wondering
should I add bullets.
agape
even in the green grass of summer
while I bleed my heart away through
wrists slit with words and thoughts
sharpened on a jaded youth come
again to haunt my tears, even then
do I set myself aside and think of
you first and foremost...do ut des,
baby, I'm just a sad mess that way.
it's about me...now
Silence impending,
falling into sadness
flailing arms wide
as eyes, my attempt
to grasp a lifeline
failed.
You were
too busy thinking
to listen, wrapped
up in your push-
pull doubt. Even
honesty was lost
as tendons tore;
arms as well as
heart.
Words,
I gave you words.
Specificity fell on
deaf ears. (Yours
not mine.) applied
at will. I know who
I am. You didn't
believe.
(Black is
only red in the
shadows, sir, and
Friendship only
forms in trust and
deeds with me...
recipricocity.)
Thursday, June 08, 2006
in want to find me
Then again if I listen
loud, it will be done
I would have forced
the hand to spite god,
can close off from all,
falling into hermitic
silence, deafness, bliss,
hell, voice going mute.
I am lost with none
in want to find me.
in the womb
I'm scared...
terrified, I
leave the radio
mute, the phone
it frightens me.
What if it's
something I've
done, could have
prevented. what
if its my fault?
Do ut des...but
god walked away
from the girl one
bright day despite
so many prayers;
and flooding
comes old comrades
of doubt, fear,
need, loneliness. My
god how could you
send all my hard
earned efficacy
to sunder even if
brief. Why did you
forsake me even
in the womb?
Then the words
strike, the rhythm
as I find my heart,
whisper, "I am more
than this, much
more, so much," even
as tears fall 'cross
parched frail lips,
the eyes of a soul
in mourning life.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
beasts of logic
something in you
hopes, dreams. the
same in me circles,
stalks yours like
prey. we deny. so
much easier to
not care, not hurt.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I rare recall
Sometime the world just heavy and
why it's weight I carry, can't say.
Been that way too long and life
it just compound the damn thing.
Been that way few lives back.
Mayhap it's just the burden of
old souls that still hadn't learned.
It's okay. I'll be okay, just some
heartache coming up from depths
I rare recall of late cause I been
so busy smiling you see. So busy
at my age, blushing and cooing.
Ain't no boom-ba-boom like base
but a slow deep hum like honey...
Monday, June 05, 2006
stillness aches
Little girl alone
in the crushing
of being bound,
moved through
days unfeeling,
endless hours
unending, age
coming on slow,
time passing in
phrases of, "my
god when will
it end." and there
was begging oh
yes there was
begging, pleading
and breaking
of a soul come
free to drift in
curious questing
like a babe she
sought - what?
Enlightenment?
Transcendence?
Calm sweetness,
understanding,
cherishment. She
found her need,
in stillness, aches
for it as the days
pass beloved in
a quick cool heat
of the heart in...
love.
but what am I?
I'm not much...
-No, you're everything
to me, everything I need.
Me, I'm not much, but oh
how I love to make you...
smile.
sweetness
I awoke middle of the night
sadly, unclothed and chilled.
Reaching for the white space
I curled in soft, secure; big
blue Royale whispering like
teddy bears are want to do,
"hush, baby he heart you."
Whispered I in reply across
ten thousand miles of sand,
Sweetness, to you the pace
deferred, my trust a gift hard
earned. Just know I dream
I dream.
And sleep came on sweetly
as I lay still, long pauses on
the brink of thought, tears
brought on by wide smiles,
soft caresses coming through
the wires on tips of tongues
and longings as yet unrequited.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Wayward son,
My resilience, perseverance to endeavor
runs deeper than your sadness
for I am the daughter of the earth
crying rivers over
the massacre of my soul.
I have known despair,
doubled over, the inability
to move from my fetal arch.
Against the bile in my stomach
your tears your fears
have no chance;
I will suck them from your heart
in a gentle kiss
and bring you home.
timeless
The deck is not so worn having
only been read once or twice.
Instead I spread the cards
warm in hands for me
on odd occasions.
They tell me my hopes
and dreams, in confirmation
and validation as in connectivity
I reside as one with the universe...
