October, November, December and almost through to the end of January, I resided alone and in a blissful state. I awoke and found my loves sleeping in their room curled on top of each other. Each eve I worked on the house, relishing my strength and hard work. I lived to feed my dogs, to feed me, and the house stayed so clean. Then Henry the roomie came and he wasn’t so bad, but then his dog came, and then his woman and I was overwhelmed. May and Frank came to help with the house, he brought with him the smell of smoke and floors in constant need of sweeping. Just before June, JJ came to stay for a month. Henry and his woman left, his dog having gone well before because she liked to chew. With Henry’s leaving, so did some of my things. JJ moved to Cali., leaving much of her stuff for me to handle. I miss her, she is my darling girl, the little sister I always needed. B- came, Frank’s sis. I never see B-, she pays me rent and for food. I know she sleeps here sometimes and showers. I can smell her soft young scent lingering in the hall. She is a beautiful girl with some sense about her but not too much. Just before B- came her puppy Dawn to bring my loves to four. Evil Dawn, she melts my heart. July and though Stevie Ray was not in the house, he was my friend and he came and went all the same, just like so many others, but he committed suicide over god knows what.

It’s late September, almost October and four weeks since I've seen you. I have been missing those early days of last fall when I was still finding my solitude in being alone. It was cut short too quick. I think I needed that time for thought. Almost a year since I've spoken to C’s ma and pa. I miss them; they were my parents for so long. And Daddy’s up in the southwest. I remember thanksgiving and Christmas spent alone, Pris bringing me a plate from her mom. I didn’t want to brave the crowd of uncles, cousins, children and friends. Those were oddly peaceful days, spent in thought and work and writing. Alone, I lived on biscuits and tea, lost five pounds and felt healthy. I have just gained those back plus a few I may have lost last week from stress. I feel beautiful now though with a spark in my eyes for you. Frank leaves tomorrow for Florida where I’ve found him work. And now, in anticipation of the morrow, I am missing my friend, missing having someone to talk to. He is funny and young and I remember what attracted me to him and why I’m not now. So much to do with work and school and I have become accustomed to people again. Tonight I may cry for those I've lost and those I've pushed away. Sometimes I feel like everyone is always leaving, but know truly that they graced my life even if briefly.

So many possibilities in the future, the one I favor holding you. The future though forms freely in and of itself and it’s exciting not to know what it holds. I only know that I was meant to live life with passion and love deeply and impact some lives but not others. I was not meant to live alone.