Found letters from Laura in 93’. She was so hopeful and speaking of Katie and Simon not yet born. “She forgets to pull her pants down, I just can’t get her to understand. God they say boys are harder, what will I do!... I planted a bunch of bulbs outside, you’ll have to come in early spring.” And Katy’s scribbles at the end, make me cry. Her children, she loved so dearly, they were the world to her. I wonder why god made her so restless, dragging behind her the kids. I wonder why I was ever put in the position to support Chris’s claim for support while she was in jail. I wonder what they look like now that I retreated from their lives so long ago, wanting them the stability of family I never had even though mine was together under one roof. Someone called having sited her last year, wondering if I had heard anything at all. I said no, she came upon you after me. She was last seen leaving a little town in Oklahoma, headed to the city with a man.

The house at Sand Point.
I almost drove there today.
I wanted to visit Robert
And grandmother and
Granddaddy. Instead Pris
And I took sun and spoke
Of past, present and future.
Mostly of present where I reside.

Until you I had settled on
Growing old alone. Now
Know I that it is impossible,
Impassioned, I must share
Myself. I retreated because
I am tired. I am tired still.

Thought a lot today
Of sky blue dreams
And goals set when
None others came.
Thought a lot of you.

I am bad off with missing you.
If not on the same page, oh well,
I can only communicate me, what
I feel, what I perceive and hope
You will clarify as needed.

In the end I define
I am not happy overall,
Only with you, and
I need to be otherwise
Also. I am thinking.