more

loved once, unconditionally

Perhaps I saw you in the mirror
while I was dreaming. Bits of you
I love about me reflected in walls.

Your half drunk smile. Flesh.
When I touched your hair, course,
bleached tips hiding tender ears.

The taste of you...sweet laughter.
But was it you that was so beautiful?
Or me? What I allowed myself to be?

You are...just a man with fallacies
of a man; fallacies that endear. I am
just a women that allowed briefness.


fragments of stream

too much water in my chi
I am scared
noone to hold me
must stop crying at work.

some paths are
so long so hard
I am tired of
survival,
perseverance
endurance.


untitled - finished

Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?

All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
I have pushed away
some and others
ran like mad.

So don't you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship,
favors and promises
as well as books, words,
crawling with webs
and dust and mold.
Don't you think I know
they will find me alone?



Tuesday, July 18, 2006


untitled - unfinished

Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?
All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
don�t you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship
favors and promises
as well as books and words.



Monday, July 17, 2006


demons shouldn't play cards with ladies from Texas

Dealer dealt my hand,
eyes wicked wild and wide.
I hated house deals but
scratched my head,
tipped my cards,
let my face go pale,
slack and ashen.

I stopped in thought...

some people fear
the depths of their soul,
afraid to face the scary bits.
Me? I probed for something
horrific, knew it was there
for I had touched it, breathed it.
stroked and cooed, fed it
once on another plain.
and when I found it
I wrung the life from it,
bathed in its' essence...

just long enough to let
his lips turn a mean grin.

But with cold eyes
and calm voice
"I'll see you," I said
and tossed my chips
scattering the pot,
"and raise you
them brass balls
I took off your
daddy that day
at high noon."

Then walked away,
knew I would play
the cards I was dealt,
that the coldness
gave me strength
and that demons
shouldn't play cards
with wordsmiths,
poets, ladies from Texas.

mourning dreams

after weeks of
seeming gluttony
suddenly she's
just not hungry.

a hollow stomach
tells her to eat
while her mind
numbs and
unplans her week.

hollow eyes gaze
heavy lidded
at the birds
the wind, the trees

she mulls over her
dreams, sorting them
like beans, which to
keep, which to toss.

and mourning
seeds never to
nourish, never,
ever to reap.

today and yesterday

murdered by silence

Imagine
they tell you
you may go deaf
by age thirty-eight
if things progress
as they have
the last four years.

You can learn
to sign. You can’t force
others to learn to sign.
How do you
check out at the store?
Go to school?
Teach?

Imagine
a world of no music
no laughter
no speaking soft
amidst the flesh
of two bodies entwined.

A world of doors
closing in your face,
a world of dreams
murdered by silence.



Friday, July 14, 2006

today is a gift

I had kept the wine
- a half bottle sealed -
to remind me
of the last time.

Looking back,
you knew it, that
it would be the last?

You planned it;
how you touched
complete, sweet
binding my body
to you and how
you let me linger
late into the eve.

You laughed pure
joy when you came
as always seeming
endless as I gazed
on in wonder.
I can still hear your
faint smiling spasms,
a thing of bliss
my deafness
will never erase.

That one night finally
I slept at ease and
morning came so soon.
I reached for more
as always I craved...
but you rose swift.

I thought nothing of it.
You showered long
and I held your cider
ready then watched
as you walked
barefoot across grass
away from me

Crave not your
sweet heart? body?
If life were not
so precious, Ra
I never would have
said hello anyway...
in the first place?
But today is a gift.
and those yesterdays
of you were my heaven.


you would know them

devastation and despair...
you would know them

when the numbness comes
even when never having been
suicidal (even now in the silence)

you would welcome death
open armed like a lover.