I wouldn't know how to explain
What you are to me.
- I'm your angel.
Yes you are.
But what am I to you?
The cause of your happiness, truly?

The incongruency between words and actions
Brings doubt then doubt turns
Quickly to worry if you're safe.
I blow it off.

It is simple, what I want
More days spooning,
And yet a lot to ask

Regret hath ne’r trespassed
Upon me. Anger left along
The path my brother trod.
They both escape me. And
These deepest things have
Graced me: faith and trust.

I am that comfortable with you
That I can write my deepest needs.

Some things I don’t recall and yet I remember with sweet smiles
everything you wore, I wore, and your lizard who didn't want to jump.

I
I am as strong as I am
Frail.

I walk with purpose,
Fast and in long strides,
Head held high.
I catch the eye of many a man,
The looks, the smiles. and
Even today the ladies three
In their Fashion and wit
Took a look at me
And returned the gaze.

They flirt because I smile
And am polite. They see
The happiness in my eyes
And it blinds them, they
Want to touch a brief
Glimpse of that stuff
I hold for you, be close
To awesomeness.

And in the next breath
Sadness seeks a soulmate,
I pine, wanting to see you.
If I am withdrawn it is this,
This and work.

II
Monday stay,
Enjoy your time with your friends.

III
My words were in earnest and sweetly sad.
You will need to deal with her, with me
Eventually.

IV
I could learn so much from you,
Already have.

Three days fishing
A place I miss from youth.
Sounds like heaven,
the best time ever.

Three days without you,
I guess I'll get things done
Just like I always do.

I
The man next to me is dressed nice but he has a ballcap and radio. He sways with the train, his eyes closed, head nodding and jerking up now and then. I like him; he leaves me alone. There’s a couple two seats ahead. His arm around her shoulder, they speak in hushed tones, tete a tete, head to head. They each listen so intent, each seemingly so cherished. I look down before they catch me, before my eyes tear but too late. I want that, I think to myself. I struggle to recall if I ever had that. Yes, I think, once maybe, when I was complacent and young. Not the tete a tete, not the listening to me, not the gaze in the eyes, but the arm around me maybe. I want more, I sigh, I will have more, I state firmly. And no tears fall. Instead I stretch me eyes; they’re almost dry. I smile sweetly and think of you.

II
You can speak of her to me, you know, of anything really. I do recognize that she is at present a part of you. I am truly an unbiased ear. I could hurt to hear some things, yes. It would hurt more not to be your confidant. To not know your heart would hurt more.

III
It’s a plan, the house, one when I had no other.
I love working on it, I will love working on another.
The degree, it will happen soon.

IV
I want to go to China and to see the coast, the reefs off Japan. Panama, Africa, I stand amazed, I want to go so bad. My god I will miss you and will anticipate your return. Maybe someday we’ll see a place together.

V
Sun warm, water blue and the man’s arms heavy, thwap thwapping at the water then silence as he turns then thwap again, thwap. These things lull me, pleasing as I write, eat my pastrami and watch the workmen up the side of the building. I wanted you there with me beside the water. Wanted to tell you one sure thing. That I am happy “cause of you”, your words spur me on to feel, to write.

The dream oft would whisper
– honoria,
Rolling off my tongue,
Lingering as I woke,
Its’ soft connotations undefined
At the back of my mind.
And now I find I've searched
My life long for just that.

Around 12 c., love was not
Falling, it was not the sickness
Of yearning, it made everything
Wonderful. It was the best that
Could happen. Men were the lover
And women the beloved.

Honor
Honor
To trust in someone as
They trust in you.
Open, honest and truthfully,
To live in honor.
My god the thought of attaining
Some portion, some merit of this
Thrills me to no end. To live
Happy and with out guise.

A list of conditions, Tom says, and yes Friday is fine. I’m nervous. I have worked so hard this past year. I still don’t know what the appraisal says, what did the woman think of my house, my home, am I validated as a human being, has my internal turmoil been in vain, all for naught. She was personable enough but left so abruptly with her, ok thank you.

Stop it, Peach, stop it, I say. But old habits of doubt and second guessing die hard. Those are ingrained deep beginning from the womb. I am learning to trust, learning that I am glad I grew myself from scratch, that the world and I don’t quite match, that I love who I am. I am learning that, my god I was a beautiful girl. No one told me and I never thought to ask. No one looked out for me. No one seemed concerned and I just never thought I had the right to ask.

I am still thinking through some things, less now than before, but look back and have no clue who I was, only who I am. The conditions, Tom says he has a list. I smile and can’t wait to see all the things he’ll need.

Je vous adore
I adore you
Je vous veux
I want you

I walk barefoot in the grass
And twirl in the sun, spinning free,
Dropping to my knee and on the
Ground giggling no breath comes.
My smile so wide my heart aches
And face so flushed I spread
My arms wide in the grass taking
Huge handfuls and breathing deep
The laughter and the joy.

Awesome. Cause of me? Cause of you.
Baby you are the bright orange crush burning.

I give you so many words
When I am with you I
Only want to feel.

Honey
Did it fall naturally from your lips,
An utterance from your finger tips,
Was it sweet like peach, face flushed
Eyes half closed, dreaming of the sun.

If the need is that great, quench it in me.

If they weren’t of you
These words would still
Be of somethin’.

It was you that was
Quiet in your quietude
Today. But I read nothing
Into it. I presumed you were
Busy. And the night came
And I had much to do but
Waited, wanting to catch
My last glimpse yet I missed
You. I miss you still.

If you knew
The gift I give, the one
Where doubt and worry
Do not live, but where
Trust in truth, open and
Honest do I oft meet.
The place in me where
I do greet the new day bold.

It is in me to doubt,
Ingrained to the deep,
Self worth never to flout
In past I did repress, deny.
Most need humbling but not I,
I for you will reach the sky
My imperfections do not lie
But scream, “I am me, I
Am beautiful, I am free.”

I am crying.
Sadly in happiness
Do I weep, I pray the lord my
Council for to keep. I whisper
Soft, “please…” though not to beg
But to ease the ache my soul
Has come to know is you.

Never back away, tell me if
You need to leave though I
Long to hear you will stay.

Sir, I want you happy and well
This is the damdest thing cause

I will
Keep falling and to you I sing
In lyrical language from a soul

In the past that slipped forth
From veins bled not once but

Twice and three times or
More as surrounded by many
It stood alone.

And in aloneness I found me
And draw forth.

He has my history,
you have not,
But to every waking
Hour you I give my thought.

I
It is no longer
About possession or
Commitment to a thing
But the ability to be

Happy and
To be
Ever changing,
To respond to the

Ebb and flow, the
Needs of the other.

I have learned
So much and
Everyday
I learn more.

To feed the
Other’s passions
With joy and
Exuberance.

Make dreams
Come true.

II – Pictures of Youth
We were all
So young, so
Malleable, so
Ready to be
Cherished and molded.
We each did the best
We could, growing
From scratch, growing
Up alone in a house full
Of others. Searching
For identity. Self struggle.

Even then I gave to a fault,
But that fault is my strength
In stubbornness I refuse to bend.
I only need to find
The other who can give the same.

III
You are focused and driven,
Something to which I aspire,
Something I greatly admire.

I am finding our differences
As wondrous as our samenesses.

I
Artist: Cowboy Junkies
Song: Ring on the sill

“Do you remember when you'd pray to never see the day
when someone would make you feel this way'
Cause you knew they would cut right through you
and once inside, you were afraid they'd find
nothing to hold on to”

II
Do I cut right through to the core of you
Can you feel the strings pulling
Your passion and heart to mine.

III
Ah the strings, they pulled once
My heart to gut and knew I
Despair. An ache so deep it’s more
Real than the cutting of flesh.

If it seems I think too much on death, I can
Only say some things will haunt me all my day.

IV
She thought to keep her distance for she can bear
Losing and the breaking of her heart, dispair.
She would save all from caring and watching
Her die someday. She thinks too much, feels too deep.

She would take the bullet in greed though, to see you live.

V
Jesus Christ these fucking strings of need pull tight.

I have a thing for rocks
Their shape, their color,
Their feel under my thumb.
At that house on the lake,
The front deck was lined
With them, mostly mine.
I wonder when my aunt sold
If they were swept off
Or thrown away. Please if
You see me set one down,
You see them lying
Not on the ground
Don’t move it, let it be.
It could be mine,
So think of me, the next
Rock out of place you see.

In this time,
I need to get things done,
It could be a month, a year,
But I will not set you aside.

To this time
I give you all of me, anything
You ask you shall receive.

In this time I ask of you,
Speak to me of dreams and passion,
Let me know you, let’s find out if…
This is too good to be true.

I feel the future forming and it is warm
Like breezes off the ocean floor
And the sun on my face, the water clear and blue.

Never assume, always ask and I shall answer truly.
It is you I adore and to whom I give all of me freely.

I
I am going to spoil you with
Adoration and the maturity of
Intellect and skin on skin - sweet.

I am going to spoil you with giving
Unconditional. Yes I will give,
But even more I will take.

I am going to eat you alive with
Bright smiles and tears, sharing
With you all my hopes and fears.

II
I almost wish I
Could have kept it light and sweet
A brief interlude where we could meet
Now and then.
But seemingly you knew from the start
I would fall deep, you would have my heart.

So if almost meant something,
I Would turn away
Instead I brave it out and choose to stay.

III
I will not be consumed, my life, my time,
But honey you have my heart and mind,
My body's needs and my soul's retreat,
I can only tell you...it's just a matter of time.

IV
Some things are worth patience,
Worth waiting for. In this life,
None other have I such adored.

I set aside my fear, if you could
Only know how deep, how dear it costs,
But some things are worth patience
And so many I have lost.

V
I have always held with me a certain awe
And brought it in to every day.
You feed that awe with laughter and lust
And mirror the joy of life I must have.
I must.

VI
The presence of her hurts me deeply,
Keeps me from that some kind of wonderful that I feel is you.
But you are your own being and have your own way and I
Cannot tell you when to go or stay.
I can only listen, lend an objective ear, take a chance on you
And feel my future is near.

Ode to Ma Fishy

His name is Feisty Boy Elektra Two
Elektra One having died at SMU
Where the water and air sucked eggs.

I got F.B.E. Two cause I killed double J’s Taki.
And no no no, I did not make him a super maki.
Taki the Good Fish, for his food he begged.

F.B.E. Two is fiery red, a mean bugger
He gets really excited to see his Mugger.
(That’s me, he can’t pronounce mommy or mother.)

Me and F.B.E. Two saw the world.
We traveled in Pris’s red jet liner, The Saturn-Esque.
We fought monsters when we met:
Fowl and gerbil, scaring a lady and her Nurble (dog that is.)
F.B.E. Two paid Pris no mind
But me! Grrrr, rawwwwr, he jumps me behind.
Snappy! Snappy!

Ode to ma fishy, Feisty Boy Elektra Two,
Dat boy loves his momma, and fishy, I’s adore you.