After the first call
I sat faced with smiles,
Your smile knowing
I couldn’t do it, had to
Have you at least in
Piecemeal.

Every time you see me,
Does your heart beat fast?

I come across a good man rarely
Of my respect and admiration worthy.

And the world was one thing when
I wrote those words yester eve. Then
Of god I doubted and disfavor avowed,
Heart was sore heavy defeat conceded.
Your statement today of simple friendship
Did it not confided. Did passing of night change
The scene. It feels so, yet left you abruptly and
Me to my confusion tending.

I should have known you, that it
Had gotten that far. I don’t see you
Straying otherwise.

No, you’re not okay and
I long to smooth your wrinkled brow,
Take away the frustration.

What I seek? Ultimately is
Someone whose passions I can feed
And who will feed mine. Whose
Happiness I can seek and who sill seek mine.
Find that and all else will fall into
The beautiful use of words and understanging.

Some people, some people know no other way
Than to make things difficult. I have always
Known otherwise, my adversity only feeding that fire:
Happiness and understanding, hope and passion.

I look not on the world, the future in naitivity,
I look with eyes wide, choosing to close them
And with the experience of hardships surmounted.
The innocence of wonder is nothing compared
To the awe of knowing and the choice to grow and see
Actively that the world is beautiful and life is precious.

I need to know
How you cope.
Do you retreat
And deal alone
Or need me
As an ear.

Not getting what you need
Can be as frustrating as
The stress with which you deal.

Look how beautiful,
The roses are blooming slowly
Their edges slightly
Ruffled and soft.

Reaching deep into
The depths of you
I pull forth a blinding
Light reminding
Me of the illusory
Concept of usury
And the lack there of
Finding I within you.
THIS is a reflection
Of my own lack of deception
And my hatred of games.
Yes I hate though
Few things find this fate.

What I find in you is rare
Causing me to stare.
It is my own honesty
And forthright nature,
The willingness to nurture
And be happy always.

Perhaps it is past
What I want for you?
And you are at that last,
The final stage, a great divide,
Now a need to decide
Stay or go.

I find decisions freeing,
They bring me peace.

Impatient,
I want to talk to you but can’t.
THAT is what prompted me
To stop and talk to you honestly.
I enjoy talking to you,
Get to work everyday and look
Forward to your first smile, your
First word. I could have let things go
On but what would that have solved?
I am one to face pain
Head on, always have, always will.

My bright chipper self
Is partially due
To my adoration of you.
If I stop caring
For you I will retreat
Into myself again, and
I care so beautifully.

Do you come to work,
Looking forward to my
First smile, my first word,
My excitement at seeing you.
Do you go home each day
Looking forward or in dread.

All this I realize is about me.
My need for you proves I cannot
Live alone quietly. It is about
You, are you happy in your
Entirety.

I quest, thirst for understanding,
My passion driving intently forward.

I lied, I have not been through worse.
To identify the object of desire,
Knowing it could be sweet..
Just in the distance out of reach,
It is agony and enough to say
No longer do I have faith in god.

Move swiftly, think fast, for life is short and meant to be lived happily

All anger left me after
Robert…died, after I
Was put in the position
To take…his life.
I was thirty-two, just,
And full of hope, I’ll
Be thirty-five soon.

I no longer get mad,
It isn’t in me. Though

I have always surmounted
Obstacles, persevered,
Bubba’s death almost killed me.
That and the baby, just
A seed passing quietly,
Brought subconscious thoughts
Struggling. Then

I met someone who fed
My passion, who spoke
And listened, who helped
Me articulate, define me
And what I need.
I cheated on a mate
Of sixteen years in
The process of defining.
Unconsciously understanding
The irreparable state
In which I placed
The relationship and that
I had hurt my good friend
Of sixteen years.

But I had broken
The core of me, my
True beliefs.

The catalyst three led me
To understanding that I was
Not the happiest I could be,
That I need too and the giving
Had to stop somewhere though
It’s an inherent trait.

My ideals are out there
I will have them and I
Will be one-hundred percent,
Gloriously, beautifully happy,
Bringing joy and passion
To every day of my life.
This is a commitment
I make to me. I will never
Again break my own trust.

Car Wash,
Funk Soul Brother,
Little Black Sabath,
A little Doors,
A little Stern. All on
The drive to work.
Suckin’ snot down
The back of my throat,
Feeling like shit. Only
Getting to campus to finish
A paper and go to class,
Not interested in work.
Thinkin’…this is no life;
We are only the sum
Of the bonds we form,
The relationships. This shit,
This shit is nothing though
The little things are pleasing.

My hands smell like gas,
The tank was on empty,
Had to stop. Music high,
Window down on the
Highway, I push my hand
Into the airstream above
The mirror, resistant, forming
A delicate arc curving this
Way and that. My hand,
Graceful. When did they
Become graceful when
Did I become this beautiful
Thing in my own right. Why
Is there no one here to see it.

I go about my day in thoughtful repose,
My silence the aching need of your touch.

You should be jealous,
I could have many a man.
You should be smug
As I don’t want just any,
I want you. I adore you.

I
The moon half full, I breathe the cool night breeze.
I look across the expanse of seed in anticipation.
I think of you and am in need
Of your kiss, your touch.

II
The moon half full, I think of you.
If I seem reserved it is my instinct
To retreat from your retreat though
Please understand it is in manner,
Not in heart. I fully realize
The hindrance you bear and state
In which you currently reside, the
Busyness of your day yet
Your reticence brings me doubt,
Yes, insecurity and lack of faith
Because I long to own your time
And I do not, cannot.

I therefore exist on air and words
Not action or touch. I thrive on
The trust in my heart and your
Words that bring me joy. I give
Patience and sweetness of
Understanding and logic. I give
Words of adulation unbound
And expression of thought.

Yes, I want you gone from her if
Only for yourself. I want you happy
And you seem not to be. Evidence
Supports you knew this before me.

I know well the excuses made.

Why now? Why wait.
For the obsessive mind there is no break.
It is all highly suspect and typical of
The jealous, the immature heart.

I am not the on-the-go every evening type.
Though out and about has it’s place, I
Would sooner sit quietly digging, dirt on my face.

If seems I think of you less, it’s all lies.
I think of you more yet my hurt is in disguise
And putting up a brave front.

Soft sad peach don’t cry.
- But it hurts darling…
I know, but your strength is you,
No other, no less. To this confess.
- I adore him, it hurts to adore him.
I know, pretty peach, trust is not
So easy is it.
- No, and I want…so much…
Get your mind on school, girl,
Thoughts of him will keep. Just be there
When he needs you.
- Is that not giving to a fault of which
I have been accused?
No, it’s being you, kind and sweet,
Being soft happy peach and caring deep.

Last night I slept deep,
Waking up at odd intervals
Sensing movement about
The house, it was B- and
This a.m. she left a note,
Already fed Dawn.
That Evil Dawn is gonna get fat
We both keep feeding her.

Can’t wait for the grass to grow,
Grow strong enough for the loves
To tear it up again.
They have such fun with it.

Bought roses night before last…peach.
The beauty in nature, in puppy dog eyes
Keeps me grounded in serenity and smiles.

Things are forming slowly outward,
The inward a molten golden brew
Thick and popping, ready to explode.
I am barely contained, life is that bright
When the goings are most persnickety.

When you’re on the side of good and fairness
Others actions gone astray of course are upsetting.
You can’t control that, only you.
Stop and think, gather your resources,
Put your best foot forward like superman,
Know you are on the side of right and
Maybe the system will surprise you.

For now I lend you the strength of nations
Gone to war, the strength of women
Left ashore to grieve their fathers
Brothers, sons, lovers lost.
Left to face the rape of mothers, sisters,
daughters, self.
I lend you the strength of the female hart,
Her bow and arrow swift that you may
bring your enemy low.
I support you with my kindness, sweetness
And thirst for truth and justice to know.

Sadness that he couldn't be
Like this for me and yet
Sadness in parting turns
To happiness that I was a part
Of his growing and learning.
C- sounds happy and for that
I smile genuinely, letting the sparks hit
And softness grow in
My eyes though he cannot see it.

“You currently appear invisible to StevieRay “.
I can’t be healthy, he’s dead you know,
So I says “I love you darling, see you someday”
Then I took StevieRay from my IM list today.
Just now. 3:15 p.m.

I have shit to deal with and I’m dealing with it,
And it feels fucking awesome.
I am finding peace in my heart finally,
My strength I never knew was just that deep.

Sir, I have decided
You have no chance.

I remind myself that
Dreams are the manifestation of desires.
I desire you, it compels
Me to dream and want more.

Came home, swept the garage, the kitchen, the front porch, did the dishes, fed the dogs, watered the plants out front. I still need to go to the store for dog food, still need to work on my paper and clean my room. Point is, I didn’t want to sit down, didn’t want to write just yet, didn’t want to think. I teared up a bit when I hugged him goodbye then called you because I needed to hear your voice. Frank had been my constant companion since the first of May, my closer friend during April. I will miss talking about stupid everyday things like the house and the dishes and laughing while we watched the dogs. I will miss passing in the hall and asking if he’s eaten. I will miss him trying to feed me and asking if I need anything from the store when he really just wanted to borrow my car to go get cigarettes or movies. I never let so many little bother me though they did. It’s easy to get used to people, to get attached. I think too much as I always do and I realize just how attached I am to you already and miss your presence when we are apart. How I go about my day doing things that need to be done.

Ten till five.
Woke up,
Had a dream,
Bit of sweat just below heavy breasts
My girls
For I had two, only one I could name,
Looked at me like some kind of thing,
Not sure what to do.
The somber night slipped by slowly
It was a birthday perhaps, for the oldest.
They were chubby things maybe seven and six.
Their hair golden like mine.
I turned to you later,
You folded me in strong tall arms
And I breathed deep the cool clean smell of you.

Woke up
In sadness, my old phone flashing,
The battery going dead.

Some things
I think
May need to happen
Within the infinite possibilities.

Five a.m., going back to sleep.

October, November, December and almost through to the end of January, I resided alone and in a blissful state. I awoke and found my loves sleeping in their room curled on top of each other. Each eve I worked on the house, relishing my strength and hard work. I lived to feed my dogs, to feed me, and the house stayed so clean. Then Henry the roomie came and he wasn’t so bad, but then his dog came, and then his woman and I was overwhelmed. May and Frank came to help with the house, he brought with him the smell of smoke and floors in constant need of sweeping. Just before June, JJ came to stay for a month. Henry and his woman left, his dog having gone well before because she liked to chew. With Henry’s leaving, so did some of my things. JJ moved to Cali., leaving much of her stuff for me to handle. I miss her, she is my darling girl, the little sister I always needed. B- came, Frank’s sis. I never see B-, she pays me rent and for food. I know she sleeps here sometimes and showers. I can smell her soft young scent lingering in the hall. She is a beautiful girl with some sense about her but not too much. Just before B- came her puppy Dawn to bring my loves to four. Evil Dawn, she melts my heart. July and though Stevie Ray was not in the house, he was my friend and he came and went all the same, just like so many others, but he committed suicide over god knows what.

It’s late September, almost October and four weeks since I've seen you. I have been missing those early days of last fall when I was still finding my solitude in being alone. It was cut short too quick. I think I needed that time for thought. Almost a year since I've spoken to C’s ma and pa. I miss them; they were my parents for so long. And Daddy’s up in the southwest. I remember thanksgiving and Christmas spent alone, Pris bringing me a plate from her mom. I didn’t want to brave the crowd of uncles, cousins, children and friends. Those were oddly peaceful days, spent in thought and work and writing. Alone, I lived on biscuits and tea, lost five pounds and felt healthy. I have just gained those back plus a few I may have lost last week from stress. I feel beautiful now though with a spark in my eyes for you. Frank leaves tomorrow for Florida where I’ve found him work. And now, in anticipation of the morrow, I am missing my friend, missing having someone to talk to. He is funny and young and I remember what attracted me to him and why I’m not now. So much to do with work and school and I have become accustomed to people again. Tonight I may cry for those I've lost and those I've pushed away. Sometimes I feel like everyone is always leaving, but know truly that they graced my life even if briefly.

So many possibilities in the future, the one I favor holding you. The future though forms freely in and of itself and it’s exciting not to know what it holds. I only know that I was meant to live life with passion and love deeply and impact some lives but not others. I was not meant to live alone.

I
I draw in the half light
Of dawn, one small lamp
Lit beside the bed. Shifting
The pad to meet the light, the ink
Flows uneven. The smallest sound of
Disgust escapes, more felt
Than heard. I shift
The pad away and
Tilt the pen.
The ink flows
More readily but
Lines are less sure
For shadows cast.
Black on dark green so
Difficult to handle, but
It reminds me of you,
Deep, rich, smooth and soothing. The tree,
My tree, something I have always associated with,
Its branches reaching high and
Roots reaching deep,
Appears like a hart and his doe entwined.
We’ll see if my rudimentary skill
Can make it so.

II
I had a dream
Of a concrete room,
Ceilings high with
Deep rich walnut beams
Walls wide in light sleek lines,
Windows open,
Sheer drapes blowing in the breeze
And water in the distance,
My bed with you in it.

III
Soft happy peach,

Dreams are not omens, they
Are the allusion to desires.

Deep rich cowboy,

How does it feel knowing
You have secured me?

IV
I write in the cool light of dawn, the sun just rising. The thoughts are many and more than I can keep contained. So much to do. In the past, it wasn’t always so and the extent of it broke me after a while, but I still think it is so much easier for two. I wonder how it could be good. You are, you see, the antithesis of all I have known. Strengths similar, and differences complimentary, we could feed off each other sweetly, keeping passions high. And that the expression of my thoughts and dreams have not run you off says so much.

V
You think it’s cute?
I think It’s agonizing
And you confuse me.
I want to eat you alive yet
You will not let me.

VI
Mountains once
Seemed insurmountable
Now they are nothing.
I am strong and
It is your strength, your
Autonomy that draws me
Like a moth to a flame I would
Flutter close then away and
Never cling fast.

That is what
Makes me weep, that beauty of it.
The strange aching need for you
Yet the comfort in my own pursuits.