heavy comes the day
heavy comes the day
the night
heavy comes life
panic in the becoming
a responsible social
un-outcast
responsibility breeds
conformity, conformity
breeds responsibility
it's all a tie down
bile in the pit rising
and I want to spit, panic
- in love is freedom
- away
- from time filling
the spirit that endeavors
to persevere
is not the one that burns
in the sun bright smiling.
she turns neatly
five and a half
months going on sad
so in love and yet
she sought the end
too bi-polar/unsure
she wants the constant high
and in reciprocation oodles
she dreams of madness
could only step so neat away
with lash perturbing
never coming free
she blinks
she pokes and prods and
scratches nervous, unfocused
laughing full deep
mousy
not that long-legged blonde
she thinks you need
but will never know
cause you never really said.
Monday, February 12, 2007
pales despotic
Her mind too often comes round to him;
the object of her affection more than whim
and the parting on her hard. She wanted
to seek solace in the attention of others and
admits to the smallest shallow bone. Saved;
a brother in arms, neat beside her, kept
comfort where the others drew aloof and
she steps brief inside to need no other. All
the while Sorrow sings soft you are loved
pales despotic against you are wanted.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
wish you were here
missing:
my brother and family
wish
you were here
wish
I had had you once.
Monday, February 05, 2007
solipsist
I was humming
Suo Gan in the grocery store
in disturbing clarity. But
I am not a singer;
my voice was made
for coos and soft pleases,
my body much the same,
and a heart that wants
it all.
Friday, February 02, 2007
this morning weary
This morning, weary
eyes returned my gaze;
I thought of mother
of sister, their eyes
slight with madness. And
though I have their smile
belaying sweetness,
in my eyes I see only
sadness of rare occasion
coming through. Yet
like their burdens, mine
plead to find a heart
to understand, to sooth
to bring me home.
Monday, January 29, 2007
death be not proud
Oh Death, be not proud
but come a beggar
thief in the night
thief in the day, wet
kiss on too cool lips
a blessed step into
that longest goodnight.
No, Death, be not proud
for those that remain
slay You in memoriam
of laughter and sweetest
passions to live, to love.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
feeling things out
I asked him, "do you wanna go steady?"
he says to me, "yes, no, maybe,
do you wanna live in a…
mansion,
apartment
shack
shed,
please check one…"
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
roughhousing
We were roughhousing
but the tears fell;
there was pain
in my heart
that sought voice
and it manifest in tears.
You kissed them away,
away shushing, regret;
I felt small, cherished,
hurt diminishing
in your arms and words.
Our twilight tête-à-tête
discovering much
disclosing thoughts;
I don't know tomorrow
but want more today.
And oh but I wanted
to ask what to do,
what you want of me;
seek guidance
in your wisdom,
for you are wise. (Though
you know as much as I.)
And I want you to realize
my need, my pain, also
that you are a wonder
to me, and it is conceivable
I want you justly. Today.
on existance
I know I've said some of this before, but...I'm feeling introspective and wanting more time from my lover...but not the world, not yet...
Every relationship has a time and place, a depth and duration, a purpose.
There are no answers and we can only know these things once all is said and done.
And sometiems...sadly but fortunately, we realize the myriad and infinite possibilities become an even more limited number of potential probablities and once decisions are made, freadom of choice becomes fate...
and life can only unfold the way it will.
But I want to exist in this moment a while longer and beg the Fates let me.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
death allows me to love
He, my older brother
now younger than I, he…
looked to me for hope –
his savior. But I failed.
I spoke the words,
signed in ink like blood
and watched his life
painfully slip away.
As if this weren't enough
when the time came I…
I left him with Dad and others –
friends surrounding, yes.
But it was in me that hope
was misplaced and I left him.
I left him in his dying.
Guilt I suppose and
sadly, always will I carry
death in my heart, never
knowing that I will ever
let it go, that it will free me.
But death, you see, allows
me to love desperately
and passionately – as me.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
in my heart i am home
There is stillness in the damp
of the earth
but a few branches sway
gently as I glean
the myriad complexity,
calm of the scene.
Out my backdoor comes the birds
comes their song
Out on the front porch
the baby Gecko suns.
Softly, suddenly, contentment I find;
not so much in this place
as in my heart, the girl I've become,
with friends surrounding
and love found – my new darling.
Yes, home is where the heart is
and in my heart I am home.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
in my lover's touch
yester-eve in my lovers touch
I stopped to breathe,
the myriad cacophony,
of a mind's day simply,
beatifically, hushed;
Came the light, came
the day, and almost
did I blush overlong,
cling too fast, love too much,
verily did I sleep too soft,
his nearness…
his nearness…
and my thought trailedd off.
Monday, December 18, 2006
on turning thirty-seven
Used to think I was moving t'ward somethin'
when birthdays came around.
Now there's an uncomforting squeaze
like pants so tight cain't breathe.
Thirty-seven feels strange
and I am suddenly
in more thought than once
when afeared of shadows
that come too close.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
stop, breathe, believe
sometimes
we hear what we want to hear
believe what we want to believe
he is guilty of this
I am guilty of this
but I see
he wears his self-depreciation
on his sleeve
I bear my insecurity in constant messaging.
we two kindred spirits stretching
stop, breathe, believe;
have fun with it, together be free.
Monday, December 11, 2006
only we can give our dreams breath
the ties that bind the mind that sets you free
settling down finding freedom
getting married committing to wanting the best for him
and honesty and validation
buying a house exploring life
social perception my reality
only we can give our dreams breath
Friday, December 08, 2006
madness stirs
on the brink of joy
madness stirs
…and fear
and I am restless
life no longer
holding me intent
not when
I have glimpsed
more
and drunk morning
dew from lips sweet
Thursday, December 07, 2006
entangled
told him
I'm scared of him
my voice felt meek
psyche timid
he didn't reply
in words
but held me
overlong
too sweet
cheek pressed
against my hair
arms and hands
entangled
he said hush now
sleep
and I slept
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
freedom
Don't fall in love with you?
she asked in startlement;
No, no, I said don't fall
off the bed, he replied in patience.
Freedom is throwing off the shackles of shoulds
for the good and natural and real.
Monday, December 04, 2006
moonshadows
He gazed on me
bathed in moonshadows.
I beheld my own breasts
waist, hip – cool flesh
beneath his too hot touch –
I beheld my own beauty
through his caress and gaze,
mouth and words. I tried
to crawl inside him
as deep as he is in me.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
tremble in the cold - revised
I want to lay with you
half revealed in twilight,
our nakedness entwined
and swaddled unkempt
– your cigarette aglow,
"this is the good stuff"
I say soft, sweet
are my lips on you –
shoulders bared,
I tremble in the cold
against your heat
as wet beneath, sweat
streams in tiny rivulets.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
opportunity
the round room
is all doors;
watch me
see if i don't
find a window
to pry open and
crawl free.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
tremble in the cold
I want to sit with you
half revealed in twilight
your cigarette aglow
"this is the good stuff"
sweet, my lips on you
tremble in the cold
against your heat.
remember when the glass shattered - unfinished
Remember when the glass shattered and I said I was sorry?
The ligament in my thumb was cut to the bone, never quite healing.
It took two shots and it still didn't numb so I said do it anyway
and eight stitches and a month later, I had a scar that ached in the rain.
Remember when the glass shattered and I said I was sorry? And
in the moment you missed your race but I held through the pain – no tears –
only later to weep and pick up the heart you cut from me with your tongue,
your anger spilling over me like acid all that time, but I never bittered.
Years passed and finally I came to understand it was selfishness;
You said it was selfishness and I said that's not a good reason.
All those years of emotional stitches, no, it was not a good reason.
Remember how my heart shattered and I said I was sorry?
Well I am not sorry for those years of anger though I know you are.
They did not toughen me but instilled in me a knowledge that
sometimes hearts must break before they can be stitched and mend.
on occasion death haunts me
That night I dreamt of
blood drips from fingertips
as I leaned back into a doze
not knowing whence such
intense feelings flooded.
Tell me did the water wash
your sins away, Stevie Ray?
Is that how you went? And
how could I feel your spirit
slip and slide, release
from so very far away when
my own brother I saw
screaming to an empty room?
All he left? A hollow shell.
Monday, November 06, 2006
three from sunday
hum, hum, hum
the machine whirs
soft and low.
the birds chirp
in tiny thrills.
the soft moan
of you coming
undone.
every day
cherished sounds.
I stop in the moment;
open my heart, my mind.
I may never hear
these things again
but I will never lose them.
II
I can bare my joy
blindly to the world
but my pain? my fear?
I lick like crumbs
from the plate
and swallow
with sweet hot tea
slowly.
III
give me your todays
and let tomorrow lay
in your trust and keep
that I would follow.
Friday, November 03, 2006
(dream of you?) I do...
I
I want to touch your face
in pools of midnight
endlessly.
II
Yes, I have sung songs of crushes
soft to lovers lost and left
(this past year in celibate verse).
Yet in present passion's keep it is
of you, sweetheart, to wit
for which my heart hums in bliss.
III
Will you still desire me if
I let you see my socks?
Fuzzy monkey socks
warm in black and tan?
IV
You still the thoughts
of endless chatter
that drive me dense,
draw my focus
taught, intense,
into the beauty of
a freckle's depth
and soft fine hairs
my nose caressed,
and stir my mouth
to water and libido
to long.
It is in
you I quench
my thirst for which
only you are the punch
(the cookies, the paste
after the nap devoured
in haste).
V
I want to give you only sweetness,
the last drop for you to suck
from the tip of my tongue
with your last breath.
Only I can neither speak of last breaths
nor allow myself to want,
but live in the moment afeared
that happiness finally is here.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
the cube
Current mood: the object of patience
this was an excercise from a book. i believe both are called teh cube. i'm not posting the exercise. after the exercise, we were told what the objects we were told to envision mean. some chose cubes of wood, cubes of light, fluctuating cubes...here is mine and afterward, the...unveiling that i am still puzzling over.
in a slight impression of sand the cube lay
masaic cuts in metal gleaming
like the sun in shattered bright array
large as life yet upon approach
no larger than the nail of my thumb…
and leaning on the Palm close by, a ladder of Ash. Foreign to these tropical shores and old even during the youth of man.
Not a yard past it all, a stead, nineteen hands tall and pale as the moon. Nosing the earth, his bright eye's glistening, eyeing me, eyeing the cube, ignoring the ladder, ignoring…
the storm the sand swirling in funnels skittering about, funnels like tornadoes feeding sand into the deep.
I stepped about the cube toward my stead. His gaze now steady, a myriad soft blue morning glories springing from his main; one, two, three…
while the funnels flitter off and away.
the cube is me
the ladder is my friends
the horse is my lover
the storm is trouble
the flowers are children
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
new month steady (a little ditty fairly shakespeare-esque)
he said bye, bye butterfly
as she flittered off into a new day
sustained on nectar sweet
and cheecks blushed of but a two hours' sleep.
