I wouldn't know how to explain
What you are to me.
- I'm your angel.
Yes you are.
But what am I to you?
The cause of your happiness, truly?
The incongruency between words and actions
Brings doubt then doubt turns
Quickly to worry if you're safe.
I blow it off.
It is simple, what I want
More days spooning,
And yet a lot to ask
Regret hath ne’r trespassed
Upon me. Anger left along
The path my brother trod.
They both escape me. And
These deepest things have
Graced me: faith and trust.
I am that comfortable with you
That I can write my deepest needs.
Some things I don’t recall and yet I remember with sweet smiles
everything you wore, I wore, and your lizard who didn't want to jump.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I
I am as strong as I am
Frail.
I walk with purpose,
Fast and in long strides,
Head held high.
I catch the eye of many a man,
The looks, the smiles. and
Even today the ladies three
In their Fashion and wit
Took a look at me
And returned the gaze.
They flirt because I smile
And am polite. They see
The happiness in my eyes
And it blinds them, they
Want to touch a brief
Glimpse of that stuff
I hold for you, be close
To awesomeness.
And in the next breath
Sadness seeks a soulmate,
I pine, wanting to see you.
If I am withdrawn it is this,
This and work.
II
Monday stay,
Enjoy your time with your friends.
III
My words were in earnest and sweetly sad.
You will need to deal with her, with me
Eventually.
IV
I could learn so much from you,
Already have.
I am as strong as I am
Frail.
I walk with purpose,
Fast and in long strides,
Head held high.
I catch the eye of many a man,
The looks, the smiles. and
Even today the ladies three
In their Fashion and wit
Took a look at me
And returned the gaze.
They flirt because I smile
And am polite. They see
The happiness in my eyes
And it blinds them, they
Want to touch a brief
Glimpse of that stuff
I hold for you, be close
To awesomeness.
And in the next breath
Sadness seeks a soulmate,
I pine, wanting to see you.
If I am withdrawn it is this,
This and work.
II
Monday stay,
Enjoy your time with your friends.
III
My words were in earnest and sweetly sad.
You will need to deal with her, with me
Eventually.
IV
I could learn so much from you,
Already have.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
I
The man next to me is dressed nice but he has a ballcap and radio. He sways with the train, his eyes closed, head nodding and jerking up now and then. I like him; he leaves me alone. There’s a couple two seats ahead. His arm around her shoulder, they speak in hushed tones, tete a tete, head to head. They each listen so intent, each seemingly so cherished. I look down before they catch me, before my eyes tear but too late. I want that, I think to myself. I struggle to recall if I ever had that. Yes, I think, once maybe, when I was complacent and young. Not the tete a tete, not the listening to me, not the gaze in the eyes, but the arm around me maybe. I want more, I sigh, I will have more, I state firmly. And no tears fall. Instead I stretch me eyes; they’re almost dry. I smile sweetly and think of you.
II
You can speak of her to me, you know, of anything really. I do recognize that she is at present a part of you. I am truly an unbiased ear. I could hurt to hear some things, yes. It would hurt more not to be your confidant. To not know your heart would hurt more.
III
It’s a plan, the house, one when I had no other.
I love working on it, I will love working on another.
The degree, it will happen soon.
IV
I want to go to China and to see the coast, the reefs off Japan. Panama, Africa, I stand amazed, I want to go so bad. My god I will miss you and will anticipate your return. Maybe someday we’ll see a place together.
V
Sun warm, water blue and the man’s arms heavy, thwap thwapping at the water then silence as he turns then thwap again, thwap. These things lull me, pleasing as I write, eat my pastrami and watch the workmen up the side of the building. I wanted you there with me beside the water. Wanted to tell you one sure thing. That I am happy “cause of you”, your words spur me on to feel, to write.
The man next to me is dressed nice but he has a ballcap and radio. He sways with the train, his eyes closed, head nodding and jerking up now and then. I like him; he leaves me alone. There’s a couple two seats ahead. His arm around her shoulder, they speak in hushed tones, tete a tete, head to head. They each listen so intent, each seemingly so cherished. I look down before they catch me, before my eyes tear but too late. I want that, I think to myself. I struggle to recall if I ever had that. Yes, I think, once maybe, when I was complacent and young. Not the tete a tete, not the listening to me, not the gaze in the eyes, but the arm around me maybe. I want more, I sigh, I will have more, I state firmly. And no tears fall. Instead I stretch me eyes; they’re almost dry. I smile sweetly and think of you.
II
You can speak of her to me, you know, of anything really. I do recognize that she is at present a part of you. I am truly an unbiased ear. I could hurt to hear some things, yes. It would hurt more not to be your confidant. To not know your heart would hurt more.
III
It’s a plan, the house, one when I had no other.
I love working on it, I will love working on another.
The degree, it will happen soon.
IV
I want to go to China and to see the coast, the reefs off Japan. Panama, Africa, I stand amazed, I want to go so bad. My god I will miss you and will anticipate your return. Maybe someday we’ll see a place together.
V
Sun warm, water blue and the man’s arms heavy, thwap thwapping at the water then silence as he turns then thwap again, thwap. These things lull me, pleasing as I write, eat my pastrami and watch the workmen up the side of the building. I wanted you there with me beside the water. Wanted to tell you one sure thing. That I am happy “cause of you”, your words spur me on to feel, to write.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
The dream oft would whisper
– honoria,
Rolling off my tongue,
Lingering as I woke,
Its’ soft connotations undefined
At the back of my mind.
And now I find I've searched
My life long for just that.
Around 12 c., love was not
Falling, it was not the sickness
Of yearning, it made everything
Wonderful. It was the best that
Could happen. Men were the lover
And women the beloved.
Honor
Honor
To trust in someone as
They trust in you.
Open, honest and truthfully,
To live in honor.
My god the thought of attaining
Some portion, some merit of this
Thrills me to no end. To live
Happy and with out guise.
– honoria,
Rolling off my tongue,
Lingering as I woke,
Its’ soft connotations undefined
At the back of my mind.
And now I find I've searched
My life long for just that.
Around 12 c., love was not
Falling, it was not the sickness
Of yearning, it made everything
Wonderful. It was the best that
Could happen. Men were the lover
And women the beloved.
Honor
Honor
To trust in someone as
They trust in you.
Open, honest and truthfully,
To live in honor.
My god the thought of attaining
Some portion, some merit of this
Thrills me to no end. To live
Happy and with out guise.
A list of conditions, Tom says, and yes Friday is fine. I’m nervous. I have worked so hard this past year. I still don’t know what the appraisal says, what did the woman think of my house, my home, am I validated as a human being, has my internal turmoil been in vain, all for naught. She was personable enough but left so abruptly with her, ok thank you.
Stop it, Peach, stop it, I say. But old habits of doubt and second guessing die hard. Those are ingrained deep beginning from the womb. I am learning to trust, learning that I am glad I grew myself from scratch, that the world and I don’t quite match, that I love who I am. I am learning that, my god I was a beautiful girl. No one told me and I never thought to ask. No one looked out for me. No one seemed concerned and I just never thought I had the right to ask.
I am still thinking through some things, less now than before, but look back and have no clue who I was, only who I am. The conditions, Tom says he has a list. I smile and can’t wait to see all the things he’ll need.
Stop it, Peach, stop it, I say. But old habits of doubt and second guessing die hard. Those are ingrained deep beginning from the womb. I am learning to trust, learning that I am glad I grew myself from scratch, that the world and I don’t quite match, that I love who I am. I am learning that, my god I was a beautiful girl. No one told me and I never thought to ask. No one looked out for me. No one seemed concerned and I just never thought I had the right to ask.
I am still thinking through some things, less now than before, but look back and have no clue who I was, only who I am. The conditions, Tom says he has a list. I smile and can’t wait to see all the things he’ll need.