list poem
I got lost
I got lost
that time we met
and I fresh
from parents splitting;
lost
in that heady taste
of flesh consuming, the
newness overshadowing
compatibility of spirit;
lost
upon driving
to your home
to meet the parents,
your directions
- misleading;
lost
on that bridge
when you asked for my hand
("some day" inferred yet I
grasping "soon-now-security").
lost
in my nurturing spirit,
your needs and pursuits place
well ahead of mine;
and lost
in "I am married now,
this is the life I lead, decisions
I must answer to;
Yet finally found in thoughts
and strengths that lead to growth
and the learning to breathe.
association poem
Yggdrasil
In the spring, my youth, affinity for need held fast
for the leaves and roots, the tree symbolic.
Even as harsh my mother's voice decried
her pet name for me – Raintree, Tree –
of which I shied and flinched, my heart fair parched
took seed in the mire of strength.
And on the brink of spring to summer set some
ubiquitous thing as yet implored
so turned I to it, face to the breeze, explored;
There along the trail somewhere in Belize
two young lovers stopped to touch the trees.
This one, the bark medicinal and
this one the chicle' to make gum,
and this one with tiny peppers the guide
grasped as fast we passed.
Yes, you recall, that one when you, the man,
followed his lead and I, laughing full
as the guide replied, "habinero?"
So long I thought I found some strength in you,
the firming of roots, attempt at fruits.
Yet they were visions lost in rings of years'
commitments to roots of rot.
Even so, in my late summer lost, chi too wet
with no direction, I turned to climb
nine levels of Norse hell to heaven
Yggdrasil to my back, inked and sore
the tree steadfast onward I conquer.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
august is burning me
Saturday, August 19, 2006
just a man, not a god
I want to live in the mouth
of madness swimming
in visions of sky blue eyes
and laughter lit on literature
and pixie dust. I want that.
I want to sooth away old
sorcerer's spells from the brow
of Bacchus - self proclaimed -
that born again he is realized
as Ra, of whom I see and yet
of Bacchus do I smile sweet,
just a man, not a god.
I watch the men -
I watch the men - I want one -
like candy in the machine
that took my money.
It takes me so long
to pick something out.
So mouth watering
I press my shoulder into it.
SLAM SLAM SLAM!
I give it my best hockey block then
one last open handed SMACK,
loud, echoing down the hall.
I sigh, lean into it and walk away.
sunrise
I watched the sun come up
after days of rising, dressing
in an autonomic state
reaching inside my blouse
searching, yes okay, bra,
okay, remembered that.
Where is my mind but on you
and those late evenings
of wine and talking close
those mornings waking
to your feet in my bed,
your arches and ankles soft
my recent admittance that
in hindsight I think I fell.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I tried but he
I wanted to
fall for you
I tried but
he made away
unbeknownst,
with my heart
like gum
on the bottom
of his shoe.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
mac and cheese
when you're a vegetarian
a box of macaroni and cheese
is a single serving, not four.
Friday, August 11, 2006
hot white light
I lost my heart, given
in the sun once blindly
while unabashed, coming
undone, becoming
unconditional, free
flowing with the burn;
buried in hot
concrete, immersed fully
of a hot white light
that was he, catalyst
toward setting me free.
He was a gentle peace
found finally within and
the choice to never
love like this again yet
always burn bright.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
yesterday...a poem
yesterday
we were
young
too young yet
growth
takes many
forms
and we did
grow.
(yesterday would have been...19 years with the same man. he left a beautiful - albeit anonymous - note on my blogger.)
Monday, August 07, 2006
vie
je comprend
un petite peux
mais je suis
indefatigable.
limbo
I wasnt really
this for him
(that for you);
you know its
the taking so long
the hangin on
that hurts me.
Come to me
or let me go.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
as it should be
new ears
new eyes, new place
is there money enough?
getting that credit good
nine hours this semester
am I smart enough?
or rather motivated...
enough
low on food budget
cause of the new ink
I like it
love it
it feels feverish
flushed, healing my chi.
still not wanting to date
or hookup
or flirt (though
I like flirting
with the boys I got.
the ones don't hit on me
and I think of d. now and
again then smile.)
summer cold?
or is it the tat?
sleepy, snotty and
all is right with the world
feels as it should be.
at home in the ocean
I was just remembering Vieques,
mimis along the tree line.
That endless beach with little shore
strewn with starfish. Wanting
to toss them back so they wouldn't die
knowing I couldn't. That's just nature.
How I squealed at the sea cucumber.
The ocean, warm meeting sky
in the distance, seemingly one
so blue my heart stopped
in the breeze as I turned, face toward it
like fingers caressing my cheak.
There is something about Texas
this summer that is almost coastal
reminding me of Vieques,
of Belize. Remember the last few days
on that cay? Where were so young
so broke. Most meals were black beans
tortillas and a dollar�' worth of coffee
in a large thermos. I remember.
I remember little strife between us.
Little, but there, always there.
I've been thinking of grad school
out in cali and of the Universidad
in Puerto Rico. Just thinking
and remembering the beaches,
the good times there and my chi
at peace, at home in the ocean.
just a man, not a god
I want to live in the mouth
of madness swimming
in visions of sky blue eyes
and laughter lit on literature
and pixie dust. I want that.
I want to sooth away old
sorcerer's spells from the brow
of Bacchus - self proclaimed -
that born again he is realized
as Ra, of whom I see and yet
of Bacchus do I smile sweet,
just a man, not a god.
I watch the men -
I watch the men - I want one -
like candy in the machine
that took my money.
It takes me so long
to pick something out.
So mouth watering
I press my shoulder into it.
SLAM SLAM SLAM!
I give it my best hockey block then
one last open handed SMACK,
loud, echoing down the hall.
I sigh, lean into it and walk away.
sunrise
I watched the sun come up
after days of rising, dressing
in an autonomic state
reaching inside my blouse
searching, yes okay, bra,
okay, remembered that.
Where is my mind but on you
and those late evenings
of wine and talking close
those mornings waking
to your feet in my bed,
your arches and ankles soft
my recent admittance that
in hindsight I think I fell.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I tried but he
I wanted to
fall for you
I tried but
he made away
unbeknownst,
with my heart
like gum
on the bottom
of his shoe.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
mac and cheese
when you're a vegetarian
a box of macaroni and cheese
is a single serving, not four.
Friday, August 11, 2006
hot white light
I lost my heart, given
in the sun once blindly
while unabashed, coming
undone, becoming
unconditional, free
flowing with the burn;
buried in hot
concrete, immersed fully
of a hot white light
that was he, catalyst
toward setting me free.
He was a gentle peace
found finally within and
the choice to never
love like this again yet
always burn bright.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
yesterday...a poem
yesterday
we were
young
too young yet
growth
takes many
forms
and we did
grow.
(yesterday would have been...19 years with the same man. he left a beautiful - albeit anonymous - note on my blogger.)
Monday, August 07, 2006
vie
je comprend
un petite peux
mais je suis
indefatigable.
limbo
I wasnt really
this for him
(that for you);
you know its
the taking so long
the hangin on
that hurts me.
Come to me
or let me go.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
as it should be
new ears
new eyes, new place
is there money enough?
getting that credit good
nine hours this semester
am I smart enough?
or rather motivated...
enough
low on food budget
cause of the new ink
I like it
love it
it feels feverish
flushed, healing my chi.
still not wanting to date
or hookup
or flirt (though
I like flirting
with the boys I got.
the ones don't hit on me
and I think of d. now and
again then smile.)
summer cold?
or is it the tat?
sleepy, snotty and
all is right with the world
feels as it should be.
at home in the ocean
I was just remembering Vieques,
mimis along the tree line.
That endless beach with little shore
strewn with starfish. Wanting
to toss them back so they wouldn't die
knowing I couldn't. That's just nature.
How I squealed at the sea cucumber.
The ocean, warm meeting sky
in the distance, seemingly one
so blue my heart stopped
in the breeze as I turned, face toward it
like fingers caressing my cheak.
There is something about Texas
this summer that is almost coastal
reminding me of Vieques,
of Belize. Remember the last few days
on that cay? Where were so young
so broke. Most meals were black beans
tortillas and a dollar�' worth of coffee
in a large thermos. I remember.
I remember little strife between us.
Little, but there, always there.
I've been thinking of grad school
out in cali and of the Universidad
in Puerto Rico. Just thinking
and remembering the beaches,
the good times there and my chi
at peace, at home in the ocean.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
from july
Monday, July 31, 2006
asking for divorce
the gown was thin
gauze
white
cheap.
it was too warm,
hot even
for mid-October.
I sat
pressed
clutching
cool leather
against my face
feet drawn up
beneath the gown
weeping softly
looking away.
the sofa
was not long enough
not for the both of us.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
necessities
organic dark roast
and meds for dinner
and I remember
thinking brownies
for breakfast was
an adult decision.
this shit, this shit is
just cause life sucks
and sometimes,
sometimes you just
get tired and get by
on necessities. and
some days breakfast
is a fistful of vitamins.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
lend my own soul solace
I dream of the earth
and the ocean calling,
a feeling articulated:
it takes a tribe
to raise
the children.
I have slept hard and
fevered, wakening
having found my path.
It is not too late
for the tribe
for the children
for me to walk soft
lend my own soul
solace and lead.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
written march 1988:
There is the sun - out there
and I can only see it
though the crisp cool breeze
embraces me.
I cannot feel the warmth
yet how I long to.
These iron bonds hold me
even when my will is weak.
I do what I must do
to not be beaten.
Soon I will be free
and upon that second
I will fly among
the rays of the sun.
to posess another
As the cool moon fades
and the sun comes
to warm my heart,
in this moment I know
some measure of peace.
Last nights smiles
still linger soft across
my flesh flushed pink.
Again, thoughts of why
your friendship warms me...
Confucius asks,
Can there be a love
which does not make
demands on its' object?
This, this is the base
of my transcendence
for without the need
to possess another
I find my freedom.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
cheap fucking plastic
The traction drifted down
into the tub in tiny
cheap silver flakes,
the pipe tape still snug
after thirteen years of
binding metal to...
cheap fucking plastic,
I muttered to the air.
The brochure had said
new fixtures,
but most weren't.
Most were coated with
bits of paint. No prep work.
They didn't even prep to paint.
I guess I'm just
my father's daughter
- not a daddy's girl
but my father's daughter.
He taught me
when you do things
you do them right and
when you make promises
you make good.
What to do?
call maintenance, let them
see the botched job
and how my girl's arms
and unsteady wrench
couldn't do it?
Ask a male friend
into my intimate abode?
No, no no no...
I'm calling my Daddy
and see what he says
then I'll get
this damn job done.
I won't let cheap
fucking plastic win.
Friday, July 21, 2006
on bravery and inspiration
A car can only run for so long
on an empty tank, a body
last only so long without food
and water...nourishment.
What to do when external fuel
sources are scarce or not
the fuel or source you need?
Ah, but to go stark raving mad?
Or perhaps retreat and attempt
to refuel through self-efficacy
as you always have done,
as it seems you always will.
But for a moments grace
pray all understand
the cost of perseverance
is sometimes the teetering
of the mind between
courage and none before
inspiration is found and
the hardening of the heart
before bravery takes heed.
asking for divorce
the gown was thin
gauze
white
cheap.
it was too warm,
hot even
for mid-October.
I sat
pressed
clutching
cool leather
against my face
feet drawn up
beneath the gown
weeping softly
looking away.
the sofa
was not long enough
not for the both of us.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
necessities
organic dark roast
and meds for dinner
and I remember
thinking brownies
for breakfast was
an adult decision.
this shit, this shit is
just cause life sucks
and sometimes,
sometimes you just
get tired and get by
on necessities. and
some days breakfast
is a fistful of vitamins.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
lend my own soul solace
I dream of the earth
and the ocean calling,
a feeling articulated:
it takes a tribe
to raise
the children.
I have slept hard and
fevered, wakening
having found my path.
It is not too late
for the tribe
for the children
for me to walk soft
lend my own soul
solace and lead.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
written march 1988:
There is the sun - out there
and I can only see it
though the crisp cool breeze
embraces me.
I cannot feel the warmth
yet how I long to.
These iron bonds hold me
even when my will is weak.
I do what I must do
to not be beaten.
Soon I will be free
and upon that second
I will fly among
the rays of the sun.
to posess another
As the cool moon fades
and the sun comes
to warm my heart,
in this moment I know
some measure of peace.
Last nights smiles
still linger soft across
my flesh flushed pink.
Again, thoughts of why
your friendship warms me...
Confucius asks,
Can there be a love
which does not make
demands on its' object?
This, this is the base
of my transcendence
for without the need
to possess another
I find my freedom.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
cheap fucking plastic
The traction drifted down
into the tub in tiny
cheap silver flakes,
the pipe tape still snug
after thirteen years of
binding metal to...
cheap fucking plastic,
I muttered to the air.
The brochure had said
new fixtures,
but most weren't.
Most were coated with
bits of paint. No prep work.
They didn't even prep to paint.
I guess I'm just
my father's daughter
- not a daddy's girl
but my father's daughter.
He taught me
when you do things
you do them right and
when you make promises
you make good.
What to do?
call maintenance, let them
see the botched job
and how my girl's arms
and unsteady wrench
couldn't do it?
Ask a male friend
into my intimate abode?
No, no no no...
I'm calling my Daddy
and see what he says
then I'll get
this damn job done.
I won't let cheap
fucking plastic win.
Friday, July 21, 2006
on bravery and inspiration
A car can only run for so long
on an empty tank, a body
last only so long without food
and water...nourishment.
What to do when external fuel
sources are scarce or not
the fuel or source you need?
Ah, but to go stark raving mad?
Or perhaps retreat and attempt
to refuel through self-efficacy
as you always have done,
as it seems you always will.
But for a moments grace
pray all understand
the cost of perseverance
is sometimes the teetering
of the mind between
courage and none before
inspiration is found and
the hardening of the heart
before bravery takes heed.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
more
loved once, unconditionally
Perhaps I saw you in the mirror
while I was dreaming. Bits of you
I love about me reflected in walls.
Your half drunk smile. Flesh.
When I touched your hair, course,
bleached tips hiding tender ears.
The taste of you...sweet laughter.
But was it you that was so beautiful?
Or me? What I allowed myself to be?
You are...just a man with fallacies
of a man; fallacies that endear. I am
just a women that allowed briefness.
fragments of stream
too much water in my chi
I am scared
noone to hold me
must stop crying at work.
some paths are
so long so hard
I am tired of
survival,
perseverance
endurance.
untitled - finished
Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?
All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
I have pushed away
some and others
ran like mad.
So don't you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship,
favors and promises
as well as books, words,
crawling with webs
and dust and mold.
Don't you think I know
they will find me alone?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
untitled - unfinished
Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?
All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
don�t you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship
favors and promises
as well as books and words.
Monday, July 17, 2006
demons shouldn't play cards with ladies from Texas
Dealer dealt my hand,
eyes wicked wild and wide.
I hated house deals but
scratched my head,
tipped my cards,
let my face go pale,
slack and ashen.
I stopped in thought...
some people fear
the depths of their soul,
afraid to face the scary bits.
Me? I probed for something
horrific, knew it was there
for I had touched it, breathed it.
stroked and cooed, fed it
once on another plain.
and when I found it
I wrung the life from it,
bathed in its' essence...
just long enough to let
his lips turn a mean grin.
But with cold eyes
and calm voice
"I'll see you," I said
and tossed my chips
scattering the pot,
"and raise you
them brass balls
I took off your
daddy that day
at high noon."
Then walked away,
knew I would play
the cards I was dealt,
that the coldness
gave me strength
and that demons
shouldn't play cards
with wordsmiths,
poets, ladies from Texas.
Perhaps I saw you in the mirror
while I was dreaming. Bits of you
I love about me reflected in walls.
Your half drunk smile. Flesh.
When I touched your hair, course,
bleached tips hiding tender ears.
The taste of you...sweet laughter.
But was it you that was so beautiful?
Or me? What I allowed myself to be?
You are...just a man with fallacies
of a man; fallacies that endear. I am
just a women that allowed briefness.
fragments of stream
too much water in my chi
I am scared
noone to hold me
must stop crying at work.
some paths are
so long so hard
I am tired of
survival,
perseverance
endurance.
untitled - finished
Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?
All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
I have pushed away
some and others
ran like mad.
So don't you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship,
favors and promises
as well as books, words,
crawling with webs
and dust and mold.
Don't you think I know
they will find me alone?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
untitled - unfinished
Suddenly I wanted
to save the world
educate the world
suddenly I felt able
to rise to the challenge
of hard work. But now
threads of the universe -
my transcendence
my chi, my aura -
feel slick with sweat
muddled, shut down.
How do I find
the paths I once forged?
How to appease
the great magnet?
All I know is that
it is a changing time
and no more can I live
at my own whim. For
when you let others in
you take the chance
of no longer being
able to die alone. But
don�t you think
I know that when they
find me old and gray
they will also find
a room filled with favors
of endless friendship
favors and promises
as well as books and words.
Monday, July 17, 2006
demons shouldn't play cards with ladies from Texas
Dealer dealt my hand,
eyes wicked wild and wide.
I hated house deals but
scratched my head,
tipped my cards,
let my face go pale,
slack and ashen.
I stopped in thought...
some people fear
the depths of their soul,
afraid to face the scary bits.
Me? I probed for something
horrific, knew it was there
for I had touched it, breathed it.
stroked and cooed, fed it
once on another plain.
and when I found it
I wrung the life from it,
bathed in its' essence...
just long enough to let
his lips turn a mean grin.
But with cold eyes
and calm voice
"I'll see you," I said
and tossed my chips
scattering the pot,
"and raise you
them brass balls
I took off your
daddy that day
at high noon."
Then walked away,
knew I would play
the cards I was dealt,
that the coldness
gave me strength
and that demons
shouldn't play cards
with wordsmiths,
poets, ladies from Texas.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
mourning dreams
after weeks of
seeming gluttony
suddenly she's
just not hungry.
a hollow stomach
tells her to eat
while her mind
numbs and
unplans her week.
hollow eyes gaze
heavy lidded
at the birds
the wind, the trees
she mulls over her
dreams, sorting them
like beans, which to
keep, which to toss.
and mourning
seeds never to
nourish, never,
ever to reap.
seeming gluttony
suddenly she's
just not hungry.
a hollow stomach
tells her to eat
while her mind
numbs and
unplans her week.
hollow eyes gaze
heavy lidded
at the birds
the wind, the trees
she mulls over her
dreams, sorting them
like beans, which to
keep, which to toss.
and mourning
seeds never to
nourish, never,
ever to reap.
today and yesterday
murdered by silence
Imagine
they tell you
you may go deaf
by age thirty-eight
if things progress
as they have
the last four years.
You can learn
to sign. You can’t force
others to learn to sign.
How do you
check out at the store?
Go to school?
Teach?
Imagine
a world of no music
no laughter
no speaking soft
amidst the flesh
of two bodies entwined.
A world of doors
closing in your face,
a world of dreams
murdered by silence.
Friday, July 14, 2006
today is a gift
I had kept the wine
- a half bottle sealed -
to remind me
of the last time.
Looking back,
you knew it, that
it would be the last?
You planned it;
how you touched
complete, sweet
binding my body
to you and how
you let me linger
late into the eve.
You laughed pure
joy when you came
as always seeming
endless as I gazed
on in wonder.
I can still hear your
faint smiling spasms,
a thing of bliss
my deafness
will never erase.
That one night finally
I slept at ease and
morning came so soon.
I reached for more
as always I craved...
but you rose swift.
I thought nothing of it.
You showered long
and I held your cider
ready then watched
as you walked
barefoot across grass
away from me
Crave not your
sweet heart? body?
If life were not
so precious, Ra
I never would have
said hello anyway...
in the first place?
But today is a gift.
and those yesterdays
of you were my heaven.
you would know them
devastation and despair...
you would know them
when the numbness comes
even when never having been
suicidal (even now in the silence)
you would welcome death
open armed like a lover.
Imagine
they tell you
you may go deaf
by age thirty-eight
if things progress
as they have
the last four years.
You can learn
to sign. You can’t force
others to learn to sign.
How do you
check out at the store?
Go to school?
Teach?
Imagine
a world of no music
no laughter
no speaking soft
amidst the flesh
of two bodies entwined.
A world of doors
closing in your face,
a world of dreams
murdered by silence.
Friday, July 14, 2006
today is a gift
I had kept the wine
- a half bottle sealed -
to remind me
of the last time.
Looking back,
you knew it, that
it would be the last?
You planned it;
how you touched
complete, sweet
binding my body
to you and how
you let me linger
late into the eve.
You laughed pure
joy when you came
as always seeming
endless as I gazed
on in wonder.
I can still hear your
faint smiling spasms,
a thing of bliss
my deafness
will never erase.
That one night finally
I slept at ease and
morning came so soon.
I reached for more
as always I craved...
but you rose swift.
I thought nothing of it.
You showered long
and I held your cider
ready then watched
as you walked
barefoot across grass
away from me
Crave not your
sweet heart? body?
If life were not
so precious, Ra
I never would have
said hello anyway...
in the first place?
But today is a gift.
and those yesterdays
of you were my heaven.
you would know them
devastation and despair...
you would know them
when the numbness comes
even when never having been
suicidal (even now in the silence)
you would welcome death
open armed like a lover.