Hush, now, if I am still enough, it cannot see me.

"Woke up this morning and I
Looked out the window and I
Struggled for something to say...
You left in the rain without closing the door,
I didn't stand in your way...
I love you more than I
Loved you before and I..."

I know, Bubba. I need to stop this sadness and get to concentrating on growing that baby. Don't know why the ennui came. Not right now. But I know it took seed too deep for me to handle by myself this time. I am moving forward and there's something there just out of grasp. I can almost taste it.

I have a will of iron thrust through stone. It can only be broken intentionally, through conscious decision. Even sadness, or dispair cannot breach the forge. I am an intentional being.

I will find you again, in the next life, and we will be different people. Passing again, and stopping briefly, and you'll move on as I move past. Over and over, eyes may meet and arms touch briefly, until we are ready, until we learn the purpose of our descent. I almost touched it this time. But still we were over before we really began. Not what I wanted, but seemingly, it feeling right. And the world moves on with purpose, fast. And in stillness I stand, gazing at the passing sky in all it's glory, furiously passing, and I marvel, sighing deep.

And the deep red crush bleeds in swirls, burning in a ring of fire, melting.

Skye Marie, Skye Marie, you were in my mind and in my heart, but never became. Should I name the future child for you.

I
Sorrowly bleeds the deep red crush,
Like sadness dripping steadily,
Upward into pools of broken midnight.
All the while regret is lost in sweetness.

II
I almost regret
Friendships.
It’s not the having,
But the losing that hurts
No, the knowing, the laughing,
It’s all good.
It’s just something gone to shadow.

III
Verity walks the still, cold earth, soul burning. Maybe they each got something from the other, something unconditional, indefinable. Something they each required in that time, in that place…just for a bit. Or so I can only hope.

I signed the papers with ink like blood and soul. Binding. I wish I could remember the names and the order in which the meds were removed until all that was left was the morphine drip on the steady increase. I cannot recall whether or not your kidneys stopped before your heart. (I believe your heart went last. You held on so long, grasping.)

I told you, speaking in hushed tones..when you finally had no choice...that you had to go. You could not speak, your throat swallowing painfully with the ulcers then finally not at all. But your eyes wept slow tears down a stubbled cheek. Oh my god, but your eyes pled desperately, bore through me with the words you could not form.

No more suffering, no more pain. But I still see clearly that I killed you. It's your body rotting in the earth. And I have no right to want...anything so much as I do...to feel...to be...beautiful.

Came across a random topic just. So innocent. I was there for the lightness of being and I stepped into a pocket deep and still. Once my heart beat weakened I looked deeper...I know, I know, your dead, get over it, but your frailty of body and mind, and your strength of will to live...sigh...yes, Bubba, of course I cried...but I find the strangest things to make me smile - though sometimes it's just a funny grimace and bearing of teeth. I'm still missing you...and the way you talked about men and rolled your eyes.

I
I am at odds. I move around you on tip-toe, through time and space, trying to find me. And yet, I feel beautiful enough to weep. I am lost and you are angry. I care - for others. It is the price of friendship, and no, I never realized I need more than you. More than me. I am selfish, I want that which I cannot define.

II
Words trip lightly out of mouth and onto the page. I pull them from dreams and visions and reality. They are forms as yet unacknowledged, there since the twilight when the dreamscape fades. I don't know what they all mean, they are simply there - fact and fiction, all my thoughts and all my dreams.