in tiny rivulets

I wring and wring
the thing; hot blood
streaming in tiny
rivulets beading,
burning my hands.
I wring till almost dry.

Strong arms shake
up down out, uncurling
smooth and one safety
pin at a time I hang
my heart to dry,
hot summer breeze

blowing. Billowing
in the wind, clean
scent of bleach stinging
and the sun warm
across my face, soft,
bright in my eyes.


hot tea and white corn tortillas

It used to be biscuits,
homemade. Not the fluffiest things
but drenched in butter.

It soothed my heart
to mix the dough and pound soft,
roll and cut and pinch

the tidbit sides left for
me to eat like a kid licking the
bowl of some sweet.

It has always been tea
hot with sugar, now raw cause
my stomach no longer

handles the white
stuff. Sickens at that and meat
and oils and I feel

old sometimes but
sooth my soul with hot tea
and white corn tortillas.

Monday, June 12, 2006

i need coffee

I need coffee
and a cigarette
only I cut back
on caffeine
and don't smoke.

I need a beer
I'm craving beer
only I don't drink
never have really
but do increasingly so.

I need a fuck
a good rutting fuck
only I dont hook-up
or sleep around. did
briefly, went wild

in my lame hermitic
way, but now don't.

I'm just restless
and going nowhere
not soon. have to bide
my time and finish...
another two years?

Then I'll have
my beer, get fucked,
have coffee over eggs
in the morning
while he smokes.

Maybe by then I'll want
else, have moved on.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

the sky was not enough

there is
no stillness
no white space
no long pause
it was a dream a
beautiful dream
we had but one
of us awoke and
realized the sky
was not enough
to hold us much
deeper than
friendship's
fondness.


Saturday, June 10, 2006

saturday's seeds

I
in the window I catch
my reflection slim trim
skinny little curves big
ones. men look up down
catch my eye receive a
wink turn away move
on. always they are mov-
ing on. I catch my gaze
in the window strong
sure unneedy and smile.

II
even the happy words
would have come in tears

III
the ladies pass in their fashions
new. I look down at my old
work shoes. the insides they are
worn warm moist from heat
cracked from salt sweat molded
to me. outside weathered
from the yard the paint. handmade
leather they will last my life
long. as all the ladies pass in their
fashions I stand in my common
sense.

IV
I suck my bottom lip
but do not cry instead
eyes move to paper
hand grasps the pen.

V
Michael,
is it tears or sweat you wipe
from your nose and cheek?
Michael,
mr. natural with flowers in
your hair no shoes on your
feet, basket and book in hand.
Michael,
are you crying, were you in
the war, what have you seen?

Vi
can you see the moon, d?
asks I the useless friend.

backlog again

though rare
soft
sounds
of whispered
ohhhhhs and
flesh on
flesh
fading
lost
save
the rhythm
in my
body
in my
heart

how can I live
without this;
though rare
is the occasion
of my indulgence,
how?


always it is strong

I own to no people but I
feel it deep, the land,
the great magnet as he shifts.

Tears of the people spring
from the endless well
sometimes seemingly from

the blue father sky (down).
These people, my blood
from father from mother;

their sadness is one, their
heart a collective soul, their
will the strength of nations

gone to war, of women left
behind, their spirit...
endeavors to persevere

always, always it is strong.


the short list

depression
melancholy
social ineptitude
death by cancer
four deaths by old age
marriage
hearing loss
depression
social ineptitude
death by my hand
depression
tiny bean didn't make it to zygote
I called her Skye Marie when I cried
depression
cheating
growth
divorce
social ineptitude
death by his hand, suicide
growth
deafness
depression

What order do I put these in?
chronological seem so cold.

I know where my daddy is, he's
up in the northwest. I know
where my brother is, he's gone
to the grave. Where is sister but
missing in America and in her
soul. Where is mother but gone
to her senility I pray not to catch.
And I am here in contemplation,
lost between strength and none,

writing the short list wondering
should I add bullets.


agape

even in the green grass of summer
while I bleed my heart away through
wrists slit with words and thoughts
sharpened on a jaded youth come
again to haunt my tears, even then
do I set myself aside and think of
you first and foremost...do ut des,
baby, I'm just a sad mess that way.


it's about me...now

Silence impending,
falling into sadness
flailing arms wide
as eyes, my attempt
to grasp a lifeline
failed.
You were
too busy thinking
to listen, wrapped
up in your push-
pull doubt. Even
honesty was lost
as tendons tore;
arms as well as
heart.
Words,
I gave you words.
Specificity fell on
deaf ears. (Yours
not mine.) applied
at will. I know who
I am. You didn't
believe.
(Black is
only red in the
shadows, sir, and
Friendship only
forms in trust and
deeds with me...

recipricocity.)


Thursday, June 08, 2006

in want to find me

Then again if I listen
loud, it will be done

I would have forced
the hand to spite god,

can close off from all,
falling into hermitic

silence, deafness, bliss,
hell, voice going mute.

I am lost with none
in want to find me.


in the womb

I'm scared...
terrified, I
leave the radio
mute, the phone
it frightens me.

What if it's
something I've
done, could have
prevented. what
if its my fault?

Do ut des...but
god walked away
from the girl one
bright day despite
so many prayers;

and flooding
comes old comrades
of doubt, fear,
need, loneliness. My
god how could you

send all my hard
earned efficacy
to sunder even if
brief. Why did you
forsake me even

in the womb?

Then the words
strike, the rhythm
as I find my heart,
whisper, "I am more
than this, much

more, so much," even
as tears fall 'cross
parched frail lips,
the eyes of a soul
in mourning life.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

beasts of logic

something in you
hopes, dreams. the
same in me circles,
stalks yours like
prey. we deny. so
much easier to
not care, not hurt.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I rare recall
Sometime the world just heavy and
why it's weight I carry, can't say.
Been that way too long and life
it just compound the damn thing.
Been that way few lives back.
Mayhap it's just the burden of
old souls that still hadn't learned.

It's okay. I'll be okay, just some
heartache coming up from depths
I rare recall of late cause I been
so busy smiling you see. So busy
at my age, blushing and cooing.
Ain't no boom-ba-boom like base
but a slow deep hum like honey...


Monday, June 05, 2006

stillness aches

Little girl alone
in the crushing
of being bound,
moved through
days unfeeling,
endless hours
unending, age
coming on slow,
time passing in
phrases of, "my
god when will
it end." and there
was begging oh
yes there was
begging, pleading
and breaking
of a soul come
free to drift in
curious questing
like a babe she
sought - what?
Enlightenment?
Transcendence?
Calm sweetness,
understanding,
cherishment. She
found her need,
in stillness, aches
for it as the days
pass beloved in
a quick cool heat
of the heart in...

love.
but what am I?


I'm not much...

-No, you're everything
to me, everything I need.
Me, I'm not much, but oh
how I love to make you...
smile.


sweetness

I awoke middle of the night
sadly, unclothed and chilled.
Reaching for the white space
I curled in soft, secure; big
blue Royale whispering like
teddy bears are want to do,
"hush, baby he heart you."

Whispered I in reply across
ten thousand miles of sand,
Sweetness, to you the pace
deferred, my trust a gift hard
earned. Just know I dream

I dream.

And sleep came on sweetly
as I lay still, long pauses on
the brink of thought, tears
brought on by wide smiles,
soft caresses coming through
the wires on tips of tongues
and longings as yet unrequited.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

Wayward son,

My resilience, perseverance to endeavor
runs deeper than your sadness
for I am the daughter of the earth
crying rivers over
the massacre of my soul.
I have known despair,
doubled over, the inability
to move from my fetal arch.
Against the bile in my stomach
your tears your fears
have no chance;
I will suck them from your heart
in a gentle kiss
and bring you home.


timeless

The deck is not so worn having
only been read once or twice.
Instead I spread the cards
warm in hands for me
on odd occasions.
They tell me my hopes
and dreams, in confirmation
and validation as in connectivity
I reside as one with the universe...

untitled

as if you lay

beside me never

have i been

so aware of my

own heart

beating.


Friday, June 02, 2006

white space

If my heart I keep
in comfort to me
breast at view for

you only you no
others save to belay
in ars poeticas, then

understand I, I, I
am good and sure
in the white space.


friend
if not in constant
comment know
much waking thought
is you for and of
and in this white
space i wander
still free beloved.



Wednesday, May 31, 2006

voices

I
um hum, like the way
you call me baby.
same way daddy coos,
low tempo to his lady.

II
voice like a sure
clean
ohhhhhhhhhhhh.
ping pang, come
undone in twilight.
oh shit, oh shit.


Wednesday, May 31, 2006

streem
dream
sweet
sleep
come
voice

so...
into
me
soul
in
midnight
hours

please
please
pleasing
adore
I



hollow

Why so suddenly
does image not
matter? Do I feel
flippant toward

my moral stand-
ing even cruel
enough to put
me down, down.

Let me be what
they think I am,
a shallow piece
of ass; hollow.

I am not always
strong against
the machine. I
give, uncle I give.


i had another profile...before.

I was old once, not
as old as Tom but
older than most you.
only I was a green
girl to being single,
being hit on, being
online surrounded
by the world. As in
the physical realm
in big crowded
rooms I panicked,
slammed hard with
the perversion of
men I withdrew.
Old phobias set in.
I carved my name
on the wall in jade
and slept days away,
let no one in. Still
I am hardened and
disbelieve any man
here wants more
than ass, wants me.


asshole
email from the ex today
checking in on my writing.
why was he an asshole then
and now...a good man?

of all days, today i can't
handle this from him.


little boy lost

Little boy lost, I long
to hold you in my arms,
and kiss your cheek
so sweet so hurt so kind,
your cruelty divine;
perverse and sweet to
succor you at my breast
as mother as sister as
lover, mate, run my hands
the length of you, grasp
your heart and squeeze
tears of joy and madness
from your dark heart.

Little boy lost and lonely
I want to comfort you
but not at the expense
of my own black heart
made of gumbo soil now
creviced in your heat, once
so painstakingly formed
with little girl hands
from scratch and what
no one ever gave her
only what she gleaned
from books and thought
from little girl dream.

suddenly...

I remember nineteen
and being unsure. I
remember loving in
desperation the wrong
boy I kept too long.

Why did you bring
me these memories
of sadness and lack
of self-efficacy. Oh
the pains I endured

to get past sadness
and all its entrails,
all it entails. Oh all
the begging to a god
that deftly turned away.

Cries on deaf ears,
the irony. How could
you come finally in
the hour I stood strong,
alone, resigned to it

and happy not knowing
I was lonely...until you.
This is about you in
my heart. This is about
you in yours. I am alibi.

backlog 3

Bring me close with your confessions
in response to a fellow poet:

bring me close with your confessions
cast not your eyes upon my face
but upon my heart.
do not whisper words of future
for my god hears no prayers
simply cherish me.
it matters not to me
past transgressions
it matters not to me
what others thought.
give me,
give me,
give me...
your heat
your passion
your smile,
knowledge of you.
I truly know
what love is
how it feels
to be cherished
in your eyes
as kindred spirit.
-darling

poets, do not read this

I read you, many of you
love’s lamentation lost…

you have no mates; those
of you who have mates,
leave them at home in
the dark lacking, existing.

They do not see you
the good, the bad, the
poet doomed to hope
once just once for love,

love’s lamentation lost
this life. I read you I
know you, they are
my words, my life. I

confront you to live
where I may never.


she just a little heart

She just a little girl
growed on inattention,
taken for granted, giving to
a fault she could not
would not ''tempt to close.

she have her duality of
spirit. she embrace it all
and yet mourns knowing
no one once they seen
her real want to keep her.

no one at'all. Self-efficacy
may just be her downfall.


Sunday, May 28, 2006

ba-ba blacksheep
The answer
lay not in
multitudes but
in your heart.

Lay not prone
to the social masses
in judgment
of health of mind or

spirit; but accept
your own duality
of nature as
I have my own.

Love, in peace
and anarchy,
love your way
as I love mine.


sadness
as published in the May-June issue of Black-Listed Magazine

When in the garden there's a girl
spills her heart on her sleeve saying
oh how clumsy, pardon me and
cries rubber duck smiles
nodding, slipping, torn away.


little black heart
dedicated to a girl I once knew...

She fucked up
finally this time;

the well had no
water to break

her rapid decent
when leaning
she fell too far.

"Oh aye," she
cry, "back to the
nunnery me gets!"

But did he know?
Did she impart?
She has much

love yet with
none did she part;

no man worthy of
her little black heart.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

god

You are not the words
in books repeated,
rehearsed, memorized
but the base for free
thought, critiqued and
the deconstucturalization
of social ideology
at its peak. Therefore
I retermed you
as universe and awe,
internalized you,
bound free to my
spirituality, stole you
from the bloody sheeple.

Yet why do I turn
to you with a head
full of love of him?


Friday, May 26, 2006

2.99 a pound

lips, tongue,
fingertips
stained
with juice sweet of
summer cherries
yet my mouth
is in want
of you..

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

beauty

In my heart
I always knew
I was beautiful;

in my heart
no one else did.

Still I toss aside words
in disbelief but

yours I hold close, it
being my soul of
which you speak.


m –

I want,

long and lean

to stretch back into

the curve of you

to spoon,

nap,

dream.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
replete
Light chenille pulled close
against fevered skin; too
hot flesh restlessly flush
in response to stimuli the

mind stirred from depths
and the distance of desires.

Little hands lost in thought
she moved; hey diddle-ooh,
a tear shed, a sigh torn, both
so soft she slept till morn.