In the quiet of the night, darkness creeps, coldness flows, shadows ebb and pulse. In stillness I reside, heart racing with sweetest goodbyes. I lie prone as thoughts flood and pressure builds. Still and still, the deep red crush burns too deep. I knew it would be someday and someday is here.

Oh Christ, I desire.
Ache is cold clear through.
Chance gone, never was, never will be.
I begin the slow descent into disassociation
While hunger gnaws at tepid flesh.
I am weary with no need only want.

The sun set and upon that evening of my demise, the air stilled and the birds stopped in song. I was cold and alone and the dreamscape had left me.

The morning after dawned clear and bright. My eyes hurt, crusted, skin tight and bleeding red across the cool white sheets. Wind soft, against too warm flesh, damp and fevered, chilling fast. “No be’be’, is tha culebra, do not touch”. And I stopped, long, white, delicate, tapered fingers stilling mid air. Skin like parchment, veined blue. And prayed to Christ. I was turning already. His voice was smooth, slick like venom and sex and sleep. I turned and wept no tears, only dry sadness and shattered, flowing light. Too much, too bright, too clear to face. Emotions flooding with such pressure building. But He was gone – my dreams and hopes of future possibilities. Only lingering desires remained of a deep red crush and the cloy scent of memories too sweet to bear. I clung too desperately and soul deep. No use, I had already begun to turn from him and toward diversion. I knew it was time. Calculating, callous, usury, it was not me, but my cares left with Him. And it was time to move past completely, to wash his scent from my skin, from my heart.

The sign said left
You turned right
I went straight
Through the light
And drove away
Into the cold, sweet night
And cried

You held me while I cried and it hurt to hear you thank me for my tears. But that’s all you could give and I knew I couldn’t hold on to the hope of you. So I set out to discover the hope of me.

Too much thought since September. Confusing, ambivalent, antithetical. Life changing decisions. Lots to post…soon.

My heart is already breaking, it may as well break terrifically and all at once.

Simplify? Emotions are all complicated and wondrous and you can't control them even if they are the kind that hurt, and even those are the result of divinity. Why would you ever not want them? I may not love often, but i love deep and hurt deeper.