Yes I watched you a while
Eyes heavy, drugged out,
Residing in stillness vaguely
Like a lizard in the dark shivering under cool linens
Until you did something of interest

And I awoke completely
Knowing what I wanted to see
And you would be mad if you knew
But I watched anyway, anxious from the dark breathing heavy
Waiting for you to do something of interest.

peach

June what? Is was the weekend maybe. Maybe last week sometime. Late afternoon I do recall, cause B was on his computer and I had just sat down and leaned back against the headboard and thought, a hot bath would be nice. Maybe I don't want to recall, but this came of it:

Blood flows red and weak in the warm water streaming.
Life flows free and away in the warm air steaming.
I cry in breathless heaves for thoughts that never came.
In childhood they were warped and death simply was.
But never a creation of my own heart and mind.

And I talked to my darling M a day or two later, knowing he was the one who would understand. And it left me crying but feeling better.

The absence of touch is killing me. I am mostly flesh and blood. I am human. And with the absence of touch I think too much. I am weary of thinking. Awake sometimes in the middle of the night, the thoughts consume like fire in a bright white heat.

I panicked when I awoke and you weren't there. I like you and too much.

The absence of touch is killing me.

In the night resides the quiet swelling
Of silence on breathless tongues and smiles
Smiles that light the midnight sky
Streaked from side to side with neon glow
With this the fullness of languid laughter crying
taught and sadness waning comes to naught.
And I feed my soul with the knowing
Of fingers grazing stubbled cheeks
And arms wrapped around bare arms sleek.

The storm comes for me and I let it.

Never say never.
Pity those who never know
Who never try and never give.
Pity the soul flat unscarred,
Never bleeding tears.

My brother is dead and I am alive.

"Hush love", comes the dying sweetness on parched blue skin.

I blush at smiles and worry. That that is between us simple. I recognize the old soul like a mirror to my heart. I admire him though he may see it not. It is the need that in me lives.

I am happy in this time and place. “Zen, baby, Zen", says Drunken Monkey to Double J.

It took me years to raise myself from scratch, even longer to learn to articulate. I don’t know that I’m quite done with either, but I did it. I did it. M- says I keep a distance and yet he also says I fall too easy. It’s my perception of things, managing my emotions, that creates a distance. It’s my innate need to care for people, for someone that keeps me falling. I am afraid of losing myself when it took so long to find me, but I’m even more afraid never to care, never to love. J- says breath, just stop and breath. But I've been thinking of God and Robert and Death lately and my chest feels constricted. Last night the thoughts finally brought a smile and I realized B- was a part of that smile. Gentility and grace have not come easy but were hard earned and often waiver.

When I was a child
I cried
Deeply into the night
Your face
Came to me
Sweet and softly
Your voice wooed me.
On a pale horse you came.