This morning.
Goddamn the coffee smells good. Puppies are playing outside making growly snarly play sounds. Rough and tough, their tails wag happy. My breasts are full sore tight and no one will see or notice. I love my secrets they are simple. Today I need to paint and rewrite my resume and crunch some numbers for work. I promise myself...next weekend I'll wallow naked in the sheets for hours trying to articulate all my writing, trying to form the next sentence for each story. And I'll write those songs.

Last night.
I am free and falling, arms wide into the abyss in which I leapt eyes wide. And the wind rushes past while all the world's asleep. Wonder, glory. I close my eyes and breathe deep and deeper still. My heart beats fast, betrayed by the cards with someday and probabilities and my womb is restless in wait, heavy with my heart’s understanding of the fragility of life and the knowing that all too soon it can pass in the blink of an eye. I am perseverance as I always have been and always will be. I hold within me the strength of unimaginable depths. I am me, just me and nothing else. Always, I think of you and smile.

Yesterday morning.
Renewal. I never mind the beginning of a cycle. I am tired, but my breasts are fuller, tender and my body reminds me – someday my womb will stretch and my breasts will grow heavy with milk. A dark little line will form from pubic to navel. I will conceive beautifully, softly. I will weep from it. Someday. No not soon. And the tarot betrays me, tells things. That the best I can do right now is stand still and breath deeply. She tells me I am strong like no other and that ground zero will form into probabilities not possibilities or denial of hope. She twists the knife with her insight and I weep, confusion overwhelms me.

In the quiet of the night, darkness creeps, coldness flows, shadows ebb and pulse. In stillness I reside, heart racing with sweetest goodbyes. I lie prone as thoughts flood and pressure builds. Still and still, the deep red crush burns too deep. I knew it would be someday and someday is here.

Oh Christ, I desire.
Ache is cold clear through.
Chance gone, never was, never will be.
I begin the slow descent into disassociation
While hunger gnaws at tepid flesh.
I am weary with no need only want.

The sun set and upon that evening of my demise, the air stilled and the birds stopped in song. I was cold and alone and the dreamscape had left me.

The morning after dawned clear and bright. My eyes hurt, crusted, skin tight and bleeding red across the cool white sheets. Wind soft, against too warm flesh, damp and fevered, chilling fast. “No be’be’, is tha culebra, do not touch”. And I stopped, long, white, delicate, tapered fingers stilling mid air. Skin like parchment, veined blue. And prayed to Christ. I was turning already. His voice was smooth, slick like venom and sex and sleep. I turned and wept no tears, only dry sadness and shattered, flowing light. Too much, too bright, too clear to face. Emotions flooding with such pressure building. But He was gone – my dreams and hopes of future possibilities. Only lingering desires remained of a deep red crush and the cloy scent of memories too sweet to bear. I clung too desperately and soul deep. No use, I had already begun to turn from him and toward diversion. I knew it was time. Calculating, callous, usury, it was not me, but my cares left with Him. And it was time to move past completely, to wash his scent from my skin, from my heart.

The sign said left
You turned right
I went straight
Through the light
And drove away
Into the cold, sweet night
And cried

You held me while I cried and it hurt to hear you thank me for my tears. But that’s all you could give and I knew I couldn’t hold on to the hope of you. So I set out to discover the hope of me.

Too much thought since September. Confusing, ambivalent, antithetical. Life changing decisions. Lots to post…soon.