from
on being the peach, on being a woman
Last night the air was sweet and the moon full but there was little breeze. Last night I took lessons on being a woman. Funny what a man can tell you about your own nature. Or rather what your own nature is supposed to be. Intention versus perception, what is real? But what he said struck home.
In retrospect, you should know I grew up in a vaccuum raised by books and apparently Dickens and Poe could only go so far in thier teachings. The rest I suppose should have been learned from human interaction. Only there was little human interaction, just books and my own imagination for the longest time.
So now I understand some things about what I should be feeling. As a woman I should want more. In entering an exclusive relationship, I should naturally want it to develop in to something serious. I should be territorial, jealous of other females, perhaps especially the younger ones, the pretty ones, the more exotic ones, the often immature.
But I raised myself from scratch more than I was raised by another. And between that and the hardness I've faced in life, the loss, I truly believe…
Every relationship has a time and place, a depth and duration, a purpose. And we can only know these things as they occur and in hindsight. Though I suppose hope plays a role somewhere in there, I’m not quite sure where, but I always seem to have it in abundance.
We spoke of other things, the house, my moving, friendship...
The line stayed clear and we spoke at length of suddenly having friends you couldn’t walk away from and the panic that instilled in us. The freedom we lost by it and the companionship we gained. That was the key, companionship. Loners I think are such by habit as much by nature, but sometimes we find we need others and it's a new way of life to suddenly learn.
So on being a woman? Evidently where I should want marriage, I want companionship and intimacy and where I should be jealous of the young, the pretty, the immature, I find I’m not. For though I may not be the typical female, from where a man stands, as my friend says, I am most definitely all woman.
p.s. thank you my friend for believing I am who I am and difficult to typify. It means a lot that someone actually sees that part of me.
I've received more comments on my autobiographical flash than I would ever have imagined.
But knowledge and growth don't come with batteries or instructions and I often find my mind wondering to common themes. The nature of my needs in a relationship is one.
Many ask why I don't date, why I'm not looking. Besides being happy as I am, I honestly don't believe I'll find the right person who fits me. For one, I require a lot of patience. I also don't need the security of permanancy, I find security in myself. The constraints of long term don't draw me as do companionship and intimacy, the need to give freely with no expectations...do my thing my way. No, not everything has to go somewhere but that doesn’t mean I can't give all of who I am…in the right circumstance.
In speaking to a friend recently I asked if he had seen the movie Secretary. He had not. It explores the concept of nonconformist roles in relationships - accepting who you are and what you need.
Sometimes I wish I could fit a mold, could be typified, could conform...
