Birdie

huge emphatic sighs from beside me;

my body is sore as she pressed hard

against my hip, to live under my skin

submerged full-body

I’ve never been a strong swimmer

treading water

my arms my legs 

always moved too fast at first 

lungs panicking, I fought

to calm breathing I had to count

in 1, 2, 3, 4; out 1, 2, 3, 4

limbs following 

where my mind took them:

it’s been years 

since I was truly ‘in’ water

submerged full-body

aside from sitting in a spa

recently

almost two hours

and my skin never puckered 

body craving the moisture 

“It’s all in my mind, so don’t be unkind…” ~ Love and Rockets 

bug in thuh soup

shit girl, 

ya ain’t nothing

ta no-body

ya ain’t special 

ya ain’t even priority 

fighting’ fuh ya-self

just make ya a 

bug in thuh soup

her eyes were clear and bright

I grew up in a generation

of wear "no all-black" at school 

because it announced a mental state;

but  years prior, we walked 

miles home alone at nine and

arriving to an empty house 

was a parent's concern

always for me

an empty house, 

even when mother didn't work

siblings older

moving out moving on...

when she finally left dad, she left me

from states away he ordered 

things required to live a life

added me to cards and accounts

neither of us thinking 

I existed alone in a house

that once held five

I would finish two years of school

in three, meet a boy, live a life

bury too many too soon

wear all black

there she goes again

fuck me if March isn't approaching

22 years and I still don't understand

how I got there

how I got here

time stopped the year I spent crying

in the shower

doing dishes

in the car driving to work 

I've evolved into a functional human

more or less

some days less

in the deep under

on the wall she walked

heel to toe

balancing arms spread wide

looking out ahead

in the peripheral, a vastness 

swirling 

in the deep under