I
I built the wall myself
out of bones and sinew
washi tape, bubble gum
and a few gallons of spittle:
it’s stacked, controlled chaos
easy to light then run
the wall holds back a flood
of a to z things I’m to let loose
II
dad once said, “some of us
we set with death, the dead
the dying” and he did
until he couldn’t
with his boy he broke
I let him…break
III
half a world away
I’m trying have tried
to sit with you
if you can hang in
a good while longer
five days, Dad
was in hospital
I didn’t know
you never called
too caring by far you
and I too alike too not
I wonder when he goes
how long will I keep you close?
that final link of knowing
I’ll be the last one standing
I
I struggle bombarded
with polarized hate divisive
with minute pickings
at threads not frayed
leading to gullies dark
where I cannot follow
it’s a fine line between
caring and perpetuating
II
in the other space
I retreat at entreaties nastily
jabbing, “Why do you…”
and ever wonder why “Because
I am not you” is never a retort
sufficient in the war
of butter on bread before jam
and is it jam or jelly anyway?
III
my dark is deep
I was born with it
like a shroud it warms
cold bones and sinew
in the deep recesses
sheltering from the sun
that singes, a sun cocooning
a web too tightly shatters
and the light gets in anyway
THE LIGHT GETS IN I choose
to let it, to pry that door open
I
yesterday was not a good day
not the worst, just not
optimal yet still
my stillness was mine to own
alone no one to worry
to judge to make false
assumptions of my quiet
exhaustion and bile-induced
by little beans screeching
II
methodic in my madness
why this day or that day
I cannot say, the Way
has always been suspect
amused at my guess-tures
III
and so little bites I ate:
squiggles and green things
black speckled tartness to fill
the quota required
IV
today is a better day
words I consumed confirm
yesterday may simply be
where progression leads
I
I think it was the newness
of the Other that beckoned
‘cause what was was not
working into exhaustion
living at the speed of light
II
yet here in the Other
every day I feel drugged
down, perseverance
through the sheer will
of little Caprica
and a wet nose that startles
III
someday when the river calls
the ferryman will find me
any which way I go…
a steady stream
of headlight coming-going
through window shears
I watched while laying
still in the coolness
of four-thirty a.m.
I wondered, eyes half shut
where did you come from
where are you going so early
on a Saturday in the quiet
a soft wet nose shifted
toward me while I cooed
soft and low, ‘sweet love, sleep…’
If I could I would pull flesh from sinew and wrap it ‘round her as a blanket while she press-pushes hard against me to sleep in the morning coolness and I have mere inches for myself.
tuck them away
in the coolness to covet
admire them on every opening
reach for them when ready;
process the guilt
of wasting a minuscule amount
convincing yourself it’s okay,
“I can’t deal with the seeds anyway”
with the mess of juicing
I
I’m always fighting
predicative text now in two
languages as if one weren’t
enough - Birdie won’t go walk
every day all day patience
is required here
II
overwhelmed in the quiet
of a room half lit
something outside…
my heart breaks
for her shivering and ears prickled
inconsolable when I awoke earlier
to escape any madness
I can’t pinpoint but no….
I am thwarted and there She is
lost in the unheard
III
the entire country knows
I have a mouth on me now
when wild dogs let out
to roam and terrorize
come at my girl and me
on a perfectly good walk
my tongue cuts the quiet
and eyes like daggers
scatter anyone near;
once a decade or two
I am not myself
I’ve grown
to dislike tomato seeds
gelatinous to the touch to the tongue
and messy foods
to my eyes unappealing
to dislike disorder and yet
my bed stays unmade
fur on the floor even after a sweep
dishes always needing a wash
mind slightly controlled chaos
the crackling of a blackened heart
amidst deep hues burnt red
drags down the bones
the flesh the sinew that connects
hazed in a cool room mending
sweet-tea cooling beside the bed
breathless is the heart
fit to burst
as my Love grows I know
she will break me
as if the Shattering of you
was a mere nuisance
I
sleeping in summer’s scorching
months of kicking restless
flesh too hot for dreaming
light and sound at their slightest
dazed in waking moments
all night long
II
last night I woke huddled
in a blanket over cold ears
as She slept close, curled
in chaos, in fall bedding dug
into a nest in the night
I never woke but the once
I
there’s an offer on the house
a fortnight ago given
the second thought to have fell
through the ways of banks
saying yes…but wait…
a wait-weight negated now
I am asked to wait a few more days
while papers are sorted,
hope kept close lest it fade
II
it’s always come easy, the stillness
of body and a gaze attentive
learned I to live on others’ time
even acknowledging with words
understanding easy off the lips
It’s the mind, my mind, unseen
behind the wizard’s curtain
where organized clutter thrums in baskets
loosely woven, the cacophony discordant
craves lemon squares and fireball candies
I
the pressure to perform
in perpetual motion
be a shark be a lion, ROAR
along those lines allowed
I learned this was the Way;
naught for trying as a babe
in the woods I have teetered
concrete or bramble both paths trudged
but the shiny always beckoned
in the peripheral flittering
‘come sit, come sit and calm’
it cooed, ‘look to your own self’
II
the walkabout unsteady on
pavement leaning, gray-grey
are the cracks and protrusions
reaching for walls and sign posts
stopping for cars, head on a swivel
Hope keeps dangling thing 1 thing 2
as she always has as she always will
will, willingly would won’t, all the Ws
will I make it to you before you go?
and will you know me?
I
on the stone etched I chose
ivy one side flowers the other
II
it was always spring
when things occurred
births deaths shattering
shipping ash for internment
III
in winter I was born, Caprica
the youngest yet always the oldest
I
ain’t no right way ain’t no wrong
just the “common” and something other
II
along the wall where flowers cling
straddling the line of rule between
one foot in the white space each side
toes exploring water warm riverside
a heart little, cracked, still, thrumming low
headspace spatially in the ether flow
once a warrior, now she knows the calm
once, words were life blood warring
to spill forth from crevices exposing
raw bones of grieving
of blood on my lips
a scarring
from decisioning too young
my only what-if
yestermorrow, a let-me was uttered
reminiscent of a youth spent
yearning flailing
mourning of a thing palpable…
reigned in, I looked-about
at the Sweetness
of little paws dreaming;
thinks nestled to a thrumming
gratuitously, I’ve been given
and words like life
can unfold the only way they will
vines contorted
through fences rusted
the odd flower blooms
she sees what others pass
without notice, roots shallow
in soil under stones
when we walk without
notice we naught
the beauty protruding
growing in cracks
crevices and fence lines
in the between - minute
go as careful with your your thinks
as you would with your steps